I'd rather be famous for doing something really great to help people. That is the way I wish people would describe me. A great helper. I think the self serving nature of a person who desires to be famous can get in the way of being a great helper and the 2 forces slug it out and it the end I produce mediocrity.
I wouldn't mind being rich if I used my money to help others. But most of the rich people I know are really awful people. My father made it big and to be honest he is one of the most self centered people I know. Don't get me wrong I love my Dad and he is wonderful grandfather. But he is always the smartest, funniest most entertaining person he knows. His capacity for helpful giving especially when it comes to money is a big fat 0. He hopes to die and leave everyone nothing. I sort of wonder sometimes if he got rich just by hording.
I shook hands with Scott Mitchell of THK once. A very wealthy man, nice looking, young and energetic. Just touching his hand sent a cold black shiver down my spine. Like I touched something truly evil. It was such a jolt that the experience stuck with me for years. Sometime later I met a guy who worked with Scott and recounted the tale. I was hoping he would say, "No he is a great guy you just need to give him a chance". But instead he said "Yep that is Scott he has that affect on everyone." Wow, no thanks I think I will leave getting rich at the door if it means turning into whatever Scott turned into.
I've met Jimmy Carter on several family events. He comes off as soft spoken, stern yet gentle. I am sure he is quite wealthy but he isn't spooky like most rich people I know. He has an aura of caring and generosity. He also seems tired like a social worker who won't go on vacation because their case load is so important to them. I think its from always trying to help others it just wears him out.
I also know Paul Boyle of NCSU. One of only 5 Crystallographers in the world. He is famous in the field of science but wonderful. He has chosen poverty as a way of life. He is a devout Buddhist monk and gives most of his money to the poor. I admire him. One day when he is older he may die in hospice for lack of money or health insurance. But I don't think that prospect really bothers him.
I have rubbed elbow with other rich or famous people even though I am neither and I doubt any of the above mentioned people will ever come to my house for dinner. However if Scott Mitchell ever shows up for a family BQ I hope Jimmy Carter and Paul Boyle are there too get rid of the bad ju-ju. If Evelyn Carter was there Scott would leave a born again Christian. There is a lot of Jesus coming out of every pore of that woman.
But to be honest most of the rich women I have met fall into the same category as the rich men. Just rotten people. But most of the famous women I have met are so eccentric that I have been unable to get to a read on them. They seem rather lost in their own head.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My prize possession - Golem and his Ring
When I think of prize possessions, I think of Golem and his Ring. But I really have nothing I value that way. There are people who I deeply love but I can’t really call a person a possession. I’m from the south we just don’t do that anymore around here. I become deeply disappointed when something given to me by my mother or grandmother is broken or stolen. My grandmother gave me a beautiful pearl ring. One large prong set, “real” not cultured - pearl. You know the kind of pearl a person swims to the bottom of ocean and pries out of the mouth of an oyster. When living with a friend in High School all my rings where stolen by her father who was an alcoholic. I can’t prove it but I knew it was him. I cried over that ring because I loved my grandmother and she had given me the ring. Had the ring been only a cheap band of silver I would have cried over it equally.
I have a jewelry box my great grandmother gave me and I keep it at my mother’s house so my kids don’t ruin it. That would be heart breaking. It was bought from the Woolworths catalog in the 1940s. Probably worth 50 bucks at an auction but I love it. Then there are the photo albums. I have more than 50. They are all important. Each photo matters. I am not one for hanging photos on the walls. I like art on my walls. But I love to sit down and look through a photo album. If my house burned down and photo albums where destroy it would devastate me far more than loosing the house. I would be sad to see the place my children grew up gone but even sadder to see the visual record of their growing up destroyed. The house is insured, it can be rebuilt the photos can never be replaced. I keep several pictures of my kids and my family on a family blog that is private. Just recently I realized that they are not protected from destruction. I use blogger which is a Google product. But I also use Google Analytics in other areas of my life. One day Google Analytics lost three days of eCommerce data that they could not retrieve. That was merely frustrating. What it really awakened was a fear that they could also loose all those digital photos I have out there on blogger. How could I replace the running record of our family’s history?
Lastly of all is my family’s farm. It will one day be sold and a strip mall will go in where the crops grow now. My father is an extremely egocentric man who plans to spend it all before he goes and leave nothing for anyone. The pond where my children fished will be gone. The pasture where the horses ran free and we feed them apples -gone. The trees my children climbed will all be gone. There it will be an aching loss in the middle of my home town where I currently live and will probably die. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I will drive by it and not cry. It is a farm that a blossoming city has grown up around. Valued now at over 10 million dollars buying my family farm is way out of my reach. In my late 20’s they sold our family beach house. We had spent every summer at that beach house since I was a child. I still grieve the loss of that house. I still cry when I see it. I still want to buy it back.
Truthfully most of my prize possession are already gone or are not mine to possess. So in a way I just covet the possesions of others. Not in a dark and menissing way. But the internal destruction is the same regardless of what color the sin is painted in. It is like the time I dropped my car keys into the shallows of a murky tidal pool. They vanished into the sand as quickly as they hit the dark water. All I could do is feel around in the blackness for them – they are still in that tidal pool somewhere. Somewhere in my heart I am still feeling around for them even though the car is long gone.
I have a jewelry box my great grandmother gave me and I keep it at my mother’s house so my kids don’t ruin it. That would be heart breaking. It was bought from the Woolworths catalog in the 1940s. Probably worth 50 bucks at an auction but I love it. Then there are the photo albums. I have more than 50. They are all important. Each photo matters. I am not one for hanging photos on the walls. I like art on my walls. But I love to sit down and look through a photo album. If my house burned down and photo albums where destroy it would devastate me far more than loosing the house. I would be sad to see the place my children grew up gone but even sadder to see the visual record of their growing up destroyed. The house is insured, it can be rebuilt the photos can never be replaced. I keep several pictures of my kids and my family on a family blog that is private. Just recently I realized that they are not protected from destruction. I use blogger which is a Google product. But I also use Google Analytics in other areas of my life. One day Google Analytics lost three days of eCommerce data that they could not retrieve. That was merely frustrating. What it really awakened was a fear that they could also loose all those digital photos I have out there on blogger. How could I replace the running record of our family’s history?
Lastly of all is my family’s farm. It will one day be sold and a strip mall will go in where the crops grow now. My father is an extremely egocentric man who plans to spend it all before he goes and leave nothing for anyone. The pond where my children fished will be gone. The pasture where the horses ran free and we feed them apples -gone. The trees my children climbed will all be gone. There it will be an aching loss in the middle of my home town where I currently live and will probably die. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I will drive by it and not cry. It is a farm that a blossoming city has grown up around. Valued now at over 10 million dollars buying my family farm is way out of my reach. In my late 20’s they sold our family beach house. We had spent every summer at that beach house since I was a child. I still grieve the loss of that house. I still cry when I see it. I still want to buy it back.
Truthfully most of my prize possession are already gone or are not mine to possess. So in a way I just covet the possesions of others. Not in a dark and menissing way. But the internal destruction is the same regardless of what color the sin is painted in. It is like the time I dropped my car keys into the shallows of a murky tidal pool. They vanished into the sand as quickly as they hit the dark water. All I could do is feel around in the blackness for them – they are still in that tidal pool somewhere. Somewhere in my heart I am still feeling around for them even though the car is long gone.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Plastic that looks like brushed metal
More than any other substance I think I hate plastic that is supposed to look like brushed metal. I have a phone and it is all plastic and silver all at the same time. I hate they way that phone looks. I got it for one sole feature - you can turn the ringer off and then that feature ended up not working. My computer is the same way all curvy corners and a dark gray that is supposed to look like a patinas metal finish. I call it Dell Grey. It is equally as bad as it cousin - pink plastic. The uncalled for pinking of plastic object is a gross injustice to the color pink. My scanner and printer are all some color of grey that is supposed to resemble metal of some sort. Its really bad on cars but even worse when they actually chrome the plastic. The chrome always flakes off an reveals the truth of the whorish like cheapness of the product. I like natural fibers. I could really go for a wood veneer computer. It could even be pergo. I think that is one of my favorite things about the movie Planet of the Apes. All the extruded plastic stuff is gone. Things have corners and are mechanical and fabricated. There is no shrink wrap or bubble wrap. There is something about holding and object made of real metal in your hand. Not one that is falsely lead to create fake weight but a weight that is consistent with the size and fabrication of the object. I love guns for that reason even though I refuse for practical reason to own one. But the clean construction, weighted just for the hand. I like it when a bone or wood handle is added. I hate it though when it is a fake plastic wood stock. I like hand fabricated jewelry too. You may own Tiffany everything but you have not held real jewelry in your hand until you have held a bracelet of hand fabricated jump rings. Everything adds up right there in your hand. The gauge of the wire, the metal sauder seams. The way the round nose pliers have bent and layers the jump rings or the ball pein hammer has render its shape. I love that.
Use of Force
I'm a Libra and quite frankly I fit the bill to a T. I can see your side and my side and every ones side on everything. I rarely see right or wrong. I make adjustments to my own life to accommodate the differences of others. For that reason sometimes people say I talk out of both sides of my mouth. Or I am 2 faced. Some people have said I flip flop or that I am wishy washy. Coupled with the ability to value both sides of an issue is an unapologetic ability to admit when I am wrong and change my mind. God changes his mind on several key issues in the Bible. Most notably with Moses when he is lost in desert. He says he will destroy the Israelites because they are whiners and give Moses some new people who don't whine so much. Moses requests that God hold off on that and God changes his mind about destroying the whining Israelites. If God can change his mind and see both sides of a situation then so can I. This attitude has made me incredibly successful in my career. The specific type of engineering that I do to websites meets with terrible resistance from all side when it is first introduced. I am patient, I listen, I take into account their fears and with a great deal of hand holding I get the job done. Some people mistake this quality for a door mat. They are in for and unexpected treat in the use of force when they try to wipe their feet on me.
Since I began training for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do I have started to understand and execute the use of force. Not in a physical sense if anything I have become a pacifist as a result of my Martial Arts training. The idea of breaking out into a fight is about as likely as breaking out into song as if I am in a Bollywood Movie. The use of force I am getting most familiar with is against the toughest opponent an inner voice that says "your not good enough" or "your too old" or "what make you think you deserve that". Mostly it crops up in when I am being creative in some way. I usually execute a move everyone knows called the "dodge". Sure if you ever played dodge ball in grade school than you know it. But in Tae Kwon Do the dodge is a little different. I looks more like "Fish" in Chicken Little when he is playing dodge ball. As your opponent attacks you their energy goes in particular direction. I move to a space where their energy is not directed. But only just slightly and I put myself in a position to attack. With my inner nag I I just blankly repeat the criticism I hear in my head and then say to it "I will deal with that issue when the creative work is done." The following attack is that the creative work is never done. A piece of art work may finish but it will bear children.
The other technique is "rolling" someones energy where they come at you with force going in one direction and you make contact with their shoulders or hips to roll their energy in an unintended direction. Finishing by placing yourself in attack position. With my inner voice I touch the criticism. Such as "your not good enough". I say to it what is enough? That will keep it spinning for a while. Or I send it to go pick on the parts of me that are lazy or uncaring. They could use some criticism.
Next technique is the roundhouse to the head or some other straight on attack. It works the worst as the inner critic is one tough mother. So when my inner critic say "you not good enough". I say back "you suck and don't belong here. And while we are talking let me just tell you that it is easy to be a whiner and find fault but hard to get us off you butt and do something. I am doing something and you are a whiner." This will go on for some time and is not the most effective use of force.
Last technique is don't show up for the match. Let the inner nag stand there in the ring. Let that ring be the partition between you and the inner nag. Go on with your life and tell the inner nag to stand in the ring. The inner nag loves a fight and will stand their indefinitely.
Since I began training for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do I have started to understand and execute the use of force. Not in a physical sense if anything I have become a pacifist as a result of my Martial Arts training. The idea of breaking out into a fight is about as likely as breaking out into song as if I am in a Bollywood Movie. The use of force I am getting most familiar with is against the toughest opponent an inner voice that says "your not good enough" or "your too old" or "what make you think you deserve that". Mostly it crops up in when I am being creative in some way. I usually execute a move everyone knows called the "dodge". Sure if you ever played dodge ball in grade school than you know it. But in Tae Kwon Do the dodge is a little different. I looks more like "Fish" in Chicken Little when he is playing dodge ball. As your opponent attacks you their energy goes in particular direction. I move to a space where their energy is not directed. But only just slightly and I put myself in a position to attack. With my inner nag I I just blankly repeat the criticism I hear in my head and then say to it "I will deal with that issue when the creative work is done." The following attack is that the creative work is never done. A piece of art work may finish but it will bear children.
The other technique is "rolling" someones energy where they come at you with force going in one direction and you make contact with their shoulders or hips to roll their energy in an unintended direction. Finishing by placing yourself in attack position. With my inner voice I touch the criticism. Such as "your not good enough". I say to it what is enough? That will keep it spinning for a while. Or I send it to go pick on the parts of me that are lazy or uncaring. They could use some criticism.
Next technique is the roundhouse to the head or some other straight on attack. It works the worst as the inner critic is one tough mother. So when my inner critic say "you not good enough". I say back "you suck and don't belong here. And while we are talking let me just tell you that it is easy to be a whiner and find fault but hard to get us off you butt and do something. I am doing something and you are a whiner." This will go on for some time and is not the most effective use of force.
Last technique is don't show up for the match. Let the inner nag stand there in the ring. Let that ring be the partition between you and the inner nag. Go on with your life and tell the inner nag to stand in the ring. The inner nag loves a fight and will stand their indefinitely.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Stop time
If I could stop time I would spend more time with my kids and make more art. No doubt about it for right or wrong. When I asked myself would I spend more time with my husband. I answered - No. That struck me as odd considering how much time and devotion I put into our marriage. I resolve that I think he gets an appropriate amount of time already. He also has the capcity to consume something endlessly. I don't want to be that something. This is also true of my kids but for some reason that doesn't seem inappropriate for a child. Now if they put on my head stone "here lies an fabulouly great artist who was an appropriate wife and mother". Humm I wouldn't care for that.
I want to be ripped like Dara Torres
Dara Torres is so ripped at 41 and has a 2 year old. I'm 38 I'm training for my black belt. I am only a totally pumped bad ass in my dreams. Truth is my instructor could take me out in a second. My sparring partner is a 32 year old 6'2 160 lbs man. I have to really work at it to take him to the ground. I am not sure I could keep him there either unless I broke all the rules of Tae Kwon Do. But Dara Torres looks like she could take out Chuck Norris. You know she is not training for the Olympics and breast feeding a baby on steroids or testosterone. If I started lifting weights right now and didn't stop until I was 41 I still don't think I could look like Dara Torres. I think I have a girl crush.
What three nouns best describe you?
One of those introspective questions that I hate. I am reading the not so big life and let me tell you that's going to take a year and a good therapist to get through.
What three nouns best describe me? I don't have many friends. Mostly that is because I am a mom. But I think I might be a bit of a know it all and aloof. I really do want friends and I really do try to make them but the follow up is hell. I think either "mom" or "lonely" would fit. OK wait mom is a noun and lonely is and adjective. As a married women I am really really married and I don't associate with men. There are only a few circumstances where I bend on that. For the most part men are objects of desire and that's not fair to anyone, including myself to call them friends. You can write me nasty notes and tell me that objectify men. But in response I have to say in my defense I have never once had an affair or been tempted to have an affair. So "married" might fit as a noun too.
"Skinny" is the other phrase people use to describe me. Yes I know that is an adjective too. But anorexic is a noun. I was once diagnosed as an anorexic until I found out I had 'non-specific hereditary wasting disease'. Just like all my aunts and uncles and their dads and their aunts and uncles. It sucked spending years in a therapist office digging in my head to find the source of my anorexia. All the tear jerking childhood stories. All the freaking money!!! Only to find out its just a hereditary disease. There is a drug for it. Take it. Get out of the therapist office and go on with your life. Most of my aunts and uncle died young in their 50s and 60s. Even though they where hospitalized with heart attack or stroke. Many times the lack of body mass ended up being the final straw. I'm 5'8 - once I was hospitalized with a broken jaw. I left the hospital weighing 98 pounds. Gross.
Last is "creative" or the noun "artist" which competes closely with "Internet Chic" because I do .com marketing. for a living.
So what I wanted was "artist", "women" and something like the word "successful". But not really talking about money here. More like there is an effortlessness to my life. The way ballet looks so easy like you could just jump up there on the stage with the other ballerinas and magically you would float like a butterfly.
But I know I am not thought of as a butterfly. That implies social. It also implies bubbly. I'm just not social or bubbly.
But I am a student. I am always taking a class on something to learn a way to make my life more effortless and connect me better to the far corners of the world a little better so maybe "student" is the noun of choice.
This brings me back to the beginning. Truth is the one word everyone uses is when it come to me is "mom". I work hard at being a good "mom" so I am not sure why it bothers me to be thought of that way? Humm. Oddly some of my choices are shaped by my autism but people rarely use the noun autistic with me. Most people are shocked when they learn I'm autistic. I've just sort of "out grown" the title.
My whole life is governed by Jesus. But I don't think anyone would say I am a Christian. In fact I think most Christians find me spooky.
What three nouns best describe me? I don't have many friends. Mostly that is because I am a mom. But I think I might be a bit of a know it all and aloof. I really do want friends and I really do try to make them but the follow up is hell. I think either "mom" or "lonely" would fit. OK wait mom is a noun and lonely is and adjective. As a married women I am really really married and I don't associate with men. There are only a few circumstances where I bend on that. For the most part men are objects of desire and that's not fair to anyone, including myself to call them friends. You can write me nasty notes and tell me that objectify men. But in response I have to say in my defense I have never once had an affair or been tempted to have an affair. So "married" might fit as a noun too.
"Skinny" is the other phrase people use to describe me. Yes I know that is an adjective too. But anorexic is a noun. I was once diagnosed as an anorexic until I found out I had 'non-specific hereditary wasting disease'. Just like all my aunts and uncles and their dads and their aunts and uncles. It sucked spending years in a therapist office digging in my head to find the source of my anorexia. All the tear jerking childhood stories. All the freaking money!!! Only to find out its just a hereditary disease. There is a drug for it. Take it. Get out of the therapist office and go on with your life. Most of my aunts and uncle died young in their 50s and 60s. Even though they where hospitalized with heart attack or stroke. Many times the lack of body mass ended up being the final straw. I'm 5'8 - once I was hospitalized with a broken jaw. I left the hospital weighing 98 pounds. Gross.
Last is "creative" or the noun "artist" which competes closely with "Internet Chic" because I do .com marketing. for a living.
So what I wanted was "artist", "women" and something like the word "successful". But not really talking about money here. More like there is an effortlessness to my life. The way ballet looks so easy like you could just jump up there on the stage with the other ballerinas and magically you would float like a butterfly.
But I know I am not thought of as a butterfly. That implies social. It also implies bubbly. I'm just not social or bubbly.
But I am a student. I am always taking a class on something to learn a way to make my life more effortless and connect me better to the far corners of the world a little better so maybe "student" is the noun of choice.
This brings me back to the beginning. Truth is the one word everyone uses is when it come to me is "mom". I work hard at being a good "mom" so I am not sure why it bothers me to be thought of that way? Humm. Oddly some of my choices are shaped by my autism but people rarely use the noun autistic with me. Most people are shocked when they learn I'm autistic. I've just sort of "out grown" the title.
My whole life is governed by Jesus. But I don't think anyone would say I am a Christian. In fact I think most Christians find me spooky.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Cara Grace Hazell
There is currently legislation being introduced to Congress that will standardize the collection of stillbirth data. This will potentially help determine causes of stillbirth and how they can be prevented. The reason for Cara's death, Factor V Leiden, is completely treatable and preventable, but we just didn't know. The test for this blood disorder is not standard in pregnancy, because the number of deaths associated is so low. However, the disease was just discovered in 1993 and research is still minimal. 50-60% of the 25,000-30,000 stillbirths in the US each year go unexplained. Factor V could potentially be one of the reasons. Many doctors will not perform these blood tests until a mother has sustained MULTIPLE pregnancy losses. I'm currently reading a book by a woman with Factor V who lost 4 babies, before she demanded the doctor do this test. I'm lucky in that my doctor consulted a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist who recommended this test. How many more babies could be saved if this test was standard?
We would love for you to follow the instructions below and write to your Representative. It's fairly easy to determine your nine digit zip code, and the enter it at the website https://forms.house.gov It will provide you a link to the Representative's website so you can send a letter. There is a form letter below, but feel free to add to it.
"This letter is in memory of Cara Grace Hazell, stillborn March 18, 2008, 38.5 weeks gestation. The cause of death was Factor V Leiden, a treatable blood disorder. However the test is not a standardized test, because the data for causes of death is not properly collected. Insurance companies and healthcare providers have not seen enough instances of this disease for the test to become standard. With proper reporting, more cases will be reported and awareness of this disorder will increase."
Or feel free to write your own personal note. Also please feel free to forward this email on.
We would love for you to follow the instructions below and write to your Representative. It's fairly easy to determine your nine digit zip code, and the enter it at the website https://forms.house.gov It will provide you a link to the Representative's website so you can send a letter. There is a form letter below, but feel free to add to it.
"This letter is in memory of Cara Grace Hazell, stillborn March 18, 2008, 38.5 weeks gestation. The cause of death was Factor V Leiden, a treatable blood disorder. However the test is not a standardized test, because the data for causes of death is not properly collected. Insurance companies and healthcare providers have not seen enough instances of this disease for the test to become standard. With proper reporting, more cases will be reported and awareness of this disorder will increase."
Or feel free to write your own personal note. Also please feel free to forward this email on.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
to tattoo or not to tattoo
I've always wanted to get a tattoo. I am pretty sure I could get the drugs needed to stand the pain. But do I want to permanently mark my body? I want a large traditional Chinese dragon on my back. If wishes where pennies I'd be a millionaire for as many times as I have wished for this tattoo. But when teenagers in my keep ask me about getting a tattoo or piecing I always say you can do anything you want as long as it is not permanent. You can dye your hair blue and paint your nails black but don't pierce, scar or tattoo. Your body will go through enough irreconcilable changes without any help from you. They are usually satisfied with this peice of advice but I must confess I find it longing.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Susan Joy Share
My hand made book hero is Susan Joy Share. You should have the chance to enjoy her work too.
My books are empty
I make one of a kind hand made books usually they start with a story or a series of images. But I am going through the strangest thing right now. The books are blank. They are beautifully elaborately bound and constructed books that have no pictures or words - just empty pages. I am just letting it happen. Maybe these books are supposed to be filled by someone else. Maybe I am supposed to fill them later. But I am on empty book number 4. A piece of art in it’s construction but as barren as a desert in content.
I have trouble getting things out of my head and into some ones ear so that they can understand it. I have always battled with it. I am told it is due to my autism. I don’t really care why it is. It’s a communication problem and it can be helped regardless of the cause. I went through school raising my hand to answer questions and being told my answer was wrong. The next student would answer the question and be told their answer was right. I would scratch my head thinking – “Hey isn’t that what I just said?” Yes it was - only I said it all backwards and they said it clearly. I call this problem my Arch Nemesis. It is like one of those language translators they used in Star Trek the Next Generation that allowed them to understand or speak any language. But mine is broken or at least for now it is empty.
The other problem is the drugs. I have a great mind for math, language and art. I can remember numbers sequences such as how much I wrote a check for – for years. I can sit for hours running a mathematical analysis on web statistics for a website. I can paint with out pause for hours. But Resperidol, Klonopin and Seroquel make me stupid. I can’t even remember where I parked my car half the time. If I cut back on the drugs the irritability increases and I’m like a grumpy old poodle. Take too much and I am Mary Poppins. Possibly the drugs are erasing the words from my books too.
I have trouble getting things out of my head and into some ones ear so that they can understand it. I have always battled with it. I am told it is due to my autism. I don’t really care why it is. It’s a communication problem and it can be helped regardless of the cause. I went through school raising my hand to answer questions and being told my answer was wrong. The next student would answer the question and be told their answer was right. I would scratch my head thinking – “Hey isn’t that what I just said?” Yes it was - only I said it all backwards and they said it clearly. I call this problem my Arch Nemesis. It is like one of those language translators they used in Star Trek the Next Generation that allowed them to understand or speak any language. But mine is broken or at least for now it is empty.
The other problem is the drugs. I have a great mind for math, language and art. I can remember numbers sequences such as how much I wrote a check for – for years. I can sit for hours running a mathematical analysis on web statistics for a website. I can paint with out pause for hours. But Resperidol, Klonopin and Seroquel make me stupid. I can’t even remember where I parked my car half the time. If I cut back on the drugs the irritability increases and I’m like a grumpy old poodle. Take too much and I am Mary Poppins. Possibly the drugs are erasing the words from my books too.
Was it the Pyrethrins
Pyrethrins: are common insecticides. But they only stun bugs not kill them. Pyrethrins are compounded with a gene altering chemical which alters a central function of the bug thus killing it.
Reproductive Effects of Pyrethrins only: Rabbits that received pyrethrins orally at high doses during the sensitive period of pregnancy had normal litters. A group of rats fed very high levels of pyrethrins daily for three weeks before first mating had litters with weanling weights much lower than normal.
Teratogenic Effects of Pyrethrins only:The one rabbit reproduction study performed showed no effect of pyrethrins on development of the offspring
But not much else is known about the effects of Pyrethrins. The real issue is that "compounding" piece where a gene altering chemical is added.
Already they are linked to "obesogens" which alter the endocrine system. But they are also being linked to alterations in mitochondria. An important part of your DNA.
It is also the mitochondria that is different in Autistic people.
If any of this research is true. It would be the insecticides that my father was exposed to or even my grandfather that would have caused my autism. Likewise with my son. Many of these insecticides are illegal now. Like types of DDT and Agent Orange. But creep back into your food as new more dangerous insecticides are still legal and are sprayed on your produce as it grows. Delivering tiny amounts to you when you eat your produce. Even if you wash it. Some of your produce comes from countries that still use DDT and other pesticides illegal here in the US. In Mexico they farm many crops with equipment run on leaded gasoline that creates a vegetable or fruit with a certain low level of lead. The rise in autism may have to do with the rise of mitochondria altering pesticides. There is evidence that the hereditary tale of these chemicals can last 3 to 4 generations.
Possibly autism with decrease as Americans are moving toward sustainability and organic production. We are more carefully scrutinizing foods coming from other countries. Maybe my great grand children's will never hear the word Autism.
Or maybe it the vaccination thing. I wish we had answers. I wish it for my grand children.
Reproductive Effects of Pyrethrins only: Rabbits that received pyrethrins orally at high doses during the sensitive period of pregnancy had normal litters. A group of rats fed very high levels of pyrethrins daily for three weeks before first mating had litters with weanling weights much lower than normal.
Teratogenic Effects of Pyrethrins only:The one rabbit reproduction study performed showed no effect of pyrethrins on development of the offspring
But not much else is known about the effects of Pyrethrins. The real issue is that "compounding" piece where a gene altering chemical is added.
Already they are linked to "obesogens" which alter the endocrine system. But they are also being linked to alterations in mitochondria. An important part of your DNA.
It is also the mitochondria that is different in Autistic people.
If any of this research is true. It would be the insecticides that my father was exposed to or even my grandfather that would have caused my autism. Likewise with my son. Many of these insecticides are illegal now. Like types of DDT and Agent Orange. But creep back into your food as new more dangerous insecticides are still legal and are sprayed on your produce as it grows. Delivering tiny amounts to you when you eat your produce. Even if you wash it. Some of your produce comes from countries that still use DDT and other pesticides illegal here in the US. In Mexico they farm many crops with equipment run on leaded gasoline that creates a vegetable or fruit with a certain low level of lead. The rise in autism may have to do with the rise of mitochondria altering pesticides. There is evidence that the hereditary tale of these chemicals can last 3 to 4 generations.
Possibly autism with decrease as Americans are moving toward sustainability and organic production. We are more carefully scrutinizing foods coming from other countries. Maybe my great grand children's will never hear the word Autism.
Or maybe it the vaccination thing. I wish we had answers. I wish it for my grand children.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Kidney infection recovery
So I am recovering well from my kidney infection. I still can't believe I let it go to my kidney before catching it. I had none of the typical symptoms. The only thing I felt was indigestion and I was taking Mylanta for that and I felt tired. But not so tired I couldn't go to Tae Kwon Do practice. My back started to hurt only after I was diagnosed and on antibiotics. I just took a round of diflucan. Antibiotics always create the opportunity for a yeast infection for me. I have a goal. One year and no antibiotics. I go on antibiotics for sinus or something at least once a year. I am scared of the flu shot because I have autism. But I got the flu last year and decided that it is worse than anything the flu shot could do to me. I wouldn't make that choice for my children. Their brains are still developing. I can also have the flu shot special ordered without the mercury. It will still have thermisol so whats the difference. I just hate the idea of getting more sensory issues with each passing flu shot. I already feel like I live in a box. No let me explain what it feels like. Pretend you don't speak any Spanish. But you go to the Spanish section of East Los Angeles. Everyone there is speaking Spanglish. You can only understand maybe 50% of what people are saying. The 50% of the English you can understand is in a really thick Spanish accent. But it is OK because as a person with High Functioning Autism you are gifted a decryption and common pattern resolution. But accessing that just to have a conversation is stressful, your arm pits start to sweat and the beginning of an anxiety attack is setting in. You are from the Old South so every time you try to speak in your thick country accent the people around you just look at you and say "no comprendo". Plus the East LA police and fire trucks keep rolling by like relentless ocean waves pounding the the beach, wailing their sirens. You can't tolerate the constant loud noise and now you have a full on anxiety attack and you are starting to pace and talk to yourself to clam down. People are looking at me like I am scary. You try to get out of town and some of the signs around you are in English because after all you are still in LA. But most of the important signs are in Spanish. No matter how hard your try you can't get out so finally you find a dark corner somewhere and hide until you are ready to try it again. Now imagine that this is a hot day and for some reason you are wearing all winter scratchy wool- including your underwear. Now you are getting the idea of what High Functioning Autism is like.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Anthropologie
I have a clothing store that I love called Anthropologie. My sister and I love to chat about the clothes and quality. I never buy anything out of it because all the clothes make you look like a confectionery and they are too expensive. But they have this European lifestyle thing that is fun to dream about. My husband looks through the magazine and has nick named it "we owe you an apology". He says it has something for the frump in every girl. Nothing about the clothing he claims says confident, sexy or sophisticated. I think confident is probably the only category that women really care about. But he's a man and he thinks every girl wants to be sexy or sophisticated. But I did notice that if you look at Target this season that they have many of the same items that Anthropologie does.
Target Blue Tuxedo shirt dress
Athropologie Quitian Dress
So thats it for my fashion blogging. For the most part I don't spend time thinking about how shiny my hair is or full my lips are. I have small breast and I like them. My butt hangs out of my bathing suit a bit and I don't care. I really don't care how fat or thin I get. I'm training for my black belt. I just like being healthy. I will say that I hate, hate, hate the current maternity style top that is in. Look I did maternity when I was pregnant, it sucked then and I don't need a repeat. And if your a slightly fat chic - everyone at the office is wondering if you might be expecting. If you are a skinny chic every one is wondering why you are wearing your old maternity clothes.
Target Blue Tuxedo shirt dress
Athropologie Quitian Dress
So thats it for my fashion blogging. For the most part I don't spend time thinking about how shiny my hair is or full my lips are. I have small breast and I like them. My butt hangs out of my bathing suit a bit and I don't care. I really don't care how fat or thin I get. I'm training for my black belt. I just like being healthy. I will say that I hate, hate, hate the current maternity style top that is in. Look I did maternity when I was pregnant, it sucked then and I don't need a repeat. And if your a slightly fat chic - everyone at the office is wondering if you might be expecting. If you are a skinny chic every one is wondering why you are wearing your old maternity clothes.
Sad about Autism
Today I am sad about my son's Autism(HFA). He just got kicked out of his camp that he totally loved. He felt really successful there. He was going to Camp Marbles in Raleigh the one associated with the Marble Museum. It was really expensive for me to put him there for the summer but they reassured me that he would do well there even with his Autism. I know I've heard that before. "We can handle it". Then they get a dose of what a high functioning autistic kid means and is and next thing you know its. "Hey here is your kid back but it will take us 3 weeks to give your money back". I work full time so I'm left holding the bag. I have a child who needs care, no idea where to put him and no money.
He just doesn't get social rules. He can be mean when he doesn't understand what other people are expecting him to do. For example when I took him to kindergarten the teach said "good morning" and he hit her. It confused him. He'd never had a stranger address him this way. I had to teach him that when someone says "good morning" you say "good morning to you". Then he was fine and there was never another problem. He can be disruptive, he doesn't understand taking turns speaking or not interrupting. I know how tough this is. I have HFA too. I got moved through 3 elementary schools, 3 junior high schools and 3 high schools and 4 colleges. My parents solution was move me to a new school when a school became frustrated with my inability to "try".
I feel like I am just doing the same thing with camps. Why didn't I have a plan B????
I should have known better.
The thing that hurts the most is he loved camp Marbles. He felt so successful. His confidence was way up and now he is just crushed.
Turns out they had been struggling with my son's behavior for weeks. Not one phone call from them. We could have stepped in and helped out but they never let me know there was an issue brewing. Just - don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
He just doesn't get social rules. He can be mean when he doesn't understand what other people are expecting him to do. For example when I took him to kindergarten the teach said "good morning" and he hit her. It confused him. He'd never had a stranger address him this way. I had to teach him that when someone says "good morning" you say "good morning to you". Then he was fine and there was never another problem. He can be disruptive, he doesn't understand taking turns speaking or not interrupting. I know how tough this is. I have HFA too. I got moved through 3 elementary schools, 3 junior high schools and 3 high schools and 4 colleges. My parents solution was move me to a new school when a school became frustrated with my inability to "try".
I feel like I am just doing the same thing with camps. Why didn't I have a plan B????
I should have known better.
The thing that hurts the most is he loved camp Marbles. He felt so successful. His confidence was way up and now he is just crushed.
Turns out they had been struggling with my son's behavior for weeks. Not one phone call from them. We could have stepped in and helped out but they never let me know there was an issue brewing. Just - don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Urinary track infection
I have a urinary track infection as well as a kidney infection. My doctor says I have had it for about 3 weeks. How does that go unnoticed? Shameful.No wonder I felt so tired. So I am working from home and not blogging today.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Book Making
So I make books. Not the kind that you print at Lulu.com but one of a kind book that are not reproducible they are like pieces of art work. Best known for this type of work is Susan Joy Share. I am really having trouble right now. My books are looking a little flat and tired. I feel flat and tired too. I will try and put up some photos. So much of my energy is going into my black belt training. I think I will stop at my first Dan. I never saw myself stopping before but honestly I think I will move over to Wu Shu Kung Fu or Tai Chi. I feel my energy increasing as I age. But my creative endurance is off. One place my creativity is shifting toward my house. All artists have to be cautious of this. It is tempting to turn the permanent structural piece of our home into piece of artwork. Not only does it fail on an artist resume when seeking new work but it usually gets destroyed by the next person who owns the home. I need to just list the non structural items in each room I want to change and leave the list alone. Work down the list in and organized fashion and then let the list go or rest when I am not working on it.
I also just depleted my money market account. This was a calculated event. But I know that when I get financially depleted that I can become that way emotionally and physically too. I can also get down spiritually because my tithing gets off. July and August are always tight for churches. I hate to contribute to that feeling of financial anxiety that churches face at this time.
By the way I have moved to a small latte instead of a large one for those of you who are following me kicking latte habit. I’m not on the wagon yet but I am trying. I think God will have to take me to the river on this one because I can’t do it myself.
I am entering into the part of the year that usually brings emotional, creative and spiritual wealth. I am also looking forward to some financial prosperity. So it is like a wave for me. The ocean pulls back the water and the sand from the shore, sucking shells, fish and sand fiddlers into the wave and then for a moment everything feels like a salty desert that has been scraped too hard and depleted of its breath. Then the waves roll in powerful, exhaling and refreshing. Foam covers my feet and treasures for the deepest part of the sea and distant lands are unexpectedly nudging my toes.
I also just depleted my money market account. This was a calculated event. But I know that when I get financially depleted that I can become that way emotionally and physically too. I can also get down spiritually because my tithing gets off. July and August are always tight for churches. I hate to contribute to that feeling of financial anxiety that churches face at this time.
By the way I have moved to a small latte instead of a large one for those of you who are following me kicking latte habit. I’m not on the wagon yet but I am trying. I think God will have to take me to the river on this one because I can’t do it myself.
I am entering into the part of the year that usually brings emotional, creative and spiritual wealth. I am also looking forward to some financial prosperity. So it is like a wave for me. The ocean pulls back the water and the sand from the shore, sucking shells, fish and sand fiddlers into the wave and then for a moment everything feels like a salty desert that has been scraped too hard and depleted of its breath. Then the waves roll in powerful, exhaling and refreshing. Foam covers my feet and treasures for the deepest part of the sea and distant lands are unexpectedly nudging my toes.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
There is one thing we haven't talked about
There is one thing about me I have failed to mention that is actually extremely important to know about me.I had what many people call a near death experience or a crossing over. I don't call it either. I call it a blessing and a warning. It starts like this. I went to the cardiologist for my 5 year check up as early heart attack runs in my family. I fasted the night before and sat down to have my blood drawn. What I did not know at the time is I had developed vasal vagal syncope so I passed out. Not that uncommon accept it turns out my vasal vagal syncope is very serious. So my heart stopped and my lungs stopped. The interesting thing about your heart stopping and your lungs stopping is for about 30 seconds you mind still works and so do your ears even though everything has gone dark. You can hear the nurse screaming "I have no pulse!, No breathing! Somebody get a doctor in here! I need a doctor!. In my mind I heard my own soft voice say calmly. I am not breathing some one should do something to help me. And then just as my parents had said to me each night when I was a child I heard my own voice once again speak, "Night Night Tansy". The next thing I knew I was standing in the room looking at myself and a chaos of frantic doctors and nurses. But just for a second. Next I was in a vast party of dancing people. The sea of people went on for as far as I could see. There was only white sand at our feet and vast white light for the sky. I stood watching with great happiness to see homosexuals, prostitutes and other people finally laugh and throw off the guilt of their sins and for once be free in them. It was so rewarding to me to see people finally feeling alive and comfortable in who they where. Unburdened. And then a great light began to scan through the crowd and it was a terrify light. I feel to my knees and put my face in the ground I cupped my hands around my face to block out the light. I was afraid of even the smallest amount of this light and of course it went through me like a razor. I could see for just a second the way God saw me. And I was as the bible says only rags before the Lord. In my mind God showed me three people whose names I am not to disclose unless speaking to someone in person. First was a sibling type family member which I love and am very close. He is a minister and I could see the way God held him in his had with care and like a crooning love struck new mother he adored him and cared for him. But he showed me one of his sins. He would compete like a runner in race with his wife to the determent of the marriage. He would compete with her for time, financial resources and power. But I felt assure that he would be OK in Gods love. God told me to return and tell this person what I had seen. Next he showed me the person who I admire most. He showed me that she was a simple person who took not happiness but great joy in everything she did. She always chose love even when the person offending her probably did not deserve it. She celebrate every small thing in life and thanked God everyday through out the day for everything. God also cared for her with extreme tenderness. He told me to go to her and tell her that God was pleased with her. Next I saw a women to whom I am very close a God did not hold her close but was filled with wrath at the site of her. She had every advantage being born the daughter of a minister. She had been shown Jesus by others her entire life but only reflected back self righteousness and judgement on others. She had been saved many times from horrible circumstances by the Lord yet never sought joy and always turned to bitterness. It was not her own divorce that God held against her but her constant effort to divide and destroy the happy marriages of her sons. God point to marriage as the second most important covenant we make and to try and destroy that covenant was to seek the wrath of God. God told me to return to her and convict her of her sin and tell her that she was going to Hell. Although she had accepted Jesus as her savior she had never acted in that manner and her pledge to Jesus was false and would not save her. And then the Lord added she will go to Hell just as you will Tansy if you continue to seek anger and bitterness. If you compete with your husband and make your commitment to me only a false and empty promise. I had through out my life shook my fist at God for many of his choices. So God indulged me on one issue which I kept question his authority on. The death of small children. I would say to God in great anger every time I heard of child being murdered or dying of illness, "You are God and you could put a stop to this because you are all powerful. Why Lord do you continue to allow the death of the innocent and the perfect." God responded all are my children regardless of their age and my grace is for all of them. None are innocent or perfect. But all are but children to me. He followed up with a warning to me. Do not question me again. Satan fills your heart with questions to distract you from the faith I have called you to. I am not a fair God. Fair is law of man. I am just. I am righteous. A poor man must tithe as must a rich man. A fair God would excuse the poor man from his tithe but I require obedience to all my laws from everyone. I do not reserve my salvation only for the rich man but bless all who are obedient. When God said Law it was imparted to me that he was speaking only of the 10 commandments and few of the rules for life that Jesus set forth for us. It was a very small group of things that God expected. I accepted all this though I wasn't sure I liked it.But I did understand that my desire to turn God into something He isn't was not helping me grow as a Christian. I was also painfully aware that he was the only game in town.
The razor like light that was cutting through me, judging me and showing me my sin and the lives and the sin of other was suddenly gone.
I removed my hands from my eyes. I stood up. I was entirely alone and the bodies of the other people who had been there with me where only sand and ash blowing across the ground. Nothing was left that was recognizable as a person had been there. It was imparted to me at that time that these people had been judged and sent to hell.
I realized then that God had spared me.
The next thing I remember was blackness and terrible crushing pain in my chest. I thought to myself, "why is someone breaking my ribs?" And then I coughed and started to breath. The next thing I saw was many doctors standing around me asking me my name and their name and if I knew where I was. My clothes where soaking wet. After an hour of sitting wrapped in a blanket they said I could go home. I tried to call someone to pick me up but there was no one who would take my call. This is probably the best summary of my life right here. I almost died and had no one to pick me up.
I drove my self home and went to sleep. Dying is exhausting. I later found out that that was not what I should have done. But I woke up. And I woke up with a mission from God: go contact 3 people and give them his message.
I am like Jonah. I did not do it. I did not want to take anyone inventory and I did not want to be seen as some sort of loose screw that hears voices from God.
Finally a week later only because I feared God did I go and deliver the message. The response was odd. The minister was listening to what I had to say but was disappointed that the message was so brief. My most admired person was totally disappointed that all I had to say was "God is pleased with you". From where I stood that look like a mountain of love and grace. She was hoping for a mission of some kind. She was almost exasperated with God that this was all he had to say. The women who was going to hell rejected Gods message fully. She has held it against me since then. A grudge. I should have expected this since it is what she had done her whole life. But from where I was standing at that moment I was surprised that some one would hear from God and not listen.
Finally I was done. But God had blown up my box. I had seen a piece of the judgement of God and I was lost as to how to align myself to him. The world was a different place. Right away I started to notice something weird. I was steadily approached by strangers and they would tell me their worst secrets. Like I was a 24 hour confessional for some of the worst things you have ever heard. Next when ever I would meet someone or sometime just encounter someone I could see a small piece of their judgement. I became afraid of people now that I could see what people real where. I took a very long time to relax and just pray. At first if I met someone and it was imparted on me that they where having an affair on their spouse. I would never speak to them again. After a while I discovered we are all full of sin and we will all be judged not just in small piece that I could see but by God and in full.
So I trusted God and over time I became comfortable with the nature of human beings. There wasn't fear of sinners in my heart any more but acceptance.
The razor like light that was cutting through me, judging me and showing me my sin and the lives and the sin of other was suddenly gone.
I removed my hands from my eyes. I stood up. I was entirely alone and the bodies of the other people who had been there with me where only sand and ash blowing across the ground. Nothing was left that was recognizable as a person had been there. It was imparted to me at that time that these people had been judged and sent to hell.
I realized then that God had spared me.
The next thing I remember was blackness and terrible crushing pain in my chest. I thought to myself, "why is someone breaking my ribs?" And then I coughed and started to breath. The next thing I saw was many doctors standing around me asking me my name and their name and if I knew where I was. My clothes where soaking wet. After an hour of sitting wrapped in a blanket they said I could go home. I tried to call someone to pick me up but there was no one who would take my call. This is probably the best summary of my life right here. I almost died and had no one to pick me up.
I drove my self home and went to sleep. Dying is exhausting. I later found out that that was not what I should have done. But I woke up. And I woke up with a mission from God: go contact 3 people and give them his message.
I am like Jonah. I did not do it. I did not want to take anyone inventory and I did not want to be seen as some sort of loose screw that hears voices from God.
Finally a week later only because I feared God did I go and deliver the message. The response was odd. The minister was listening to what I had to say but was disappointed that the message was so brief. My most admired person was totally disappointed that all I had to say was "God is pleased with you". From where I stood that look like a mountain of love and grace. She was hoping for a mission of some kind. She was almost exasperated with God that this was all he had to say. The women who was going to hell rejected Gods message fully. She has held it against me since then. A grudge. I should have expected this since it is what she had done her whole life. But from where I was standing at that moment I was surprised that some one would hear from God and not listen.
Finally I was done. But God had blown up my box. I had seen a piece of the judgement of God and I was lost as to how to align myself to him. The world was a different place. Right away I started to notice something weird. I was steadily approached by strangers and they would tell me their worst secrets. Like I was a 24 hour confessional for some of the worst things you have ever heard. Next when ever I would meet someone or sometime just encounter someone I could see a small piece of their judgement. I became afraid of people now that I could see what people real where. I took a very long time to relax and just pray. At first if I met someone and it was imparted on me that they where having an affair on their spouse. I would never speak to them again. After a while I discovered we are all full of sin and we will all be judged not just in small piece that I could see but by God and in full.
So I trusted God and over time I became comfortable with the nature of human beings. There wasn't fear of sinners in my heart any more but acceptance.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
About Cary NC
Now you may be thinking of moving to the Cary NC area. Cary and Raleigh have both been rated by all sorts of Magazines and groups as the best of the best for a place to live. But look I think there is some gerrymandering in the voting process. I've lived here for 38 years and I think I am qualified to give the skinny on Cary and Raleigh. So here is a brief summary. If you live in a place where the pace is so fast you don't like it or a place where it is dangerous to walk outside or play in the park you are going to love Cary. In fact you would probably love any place other than where you are. The pace here is family focused. It is the land of SUVs, soccer games and happy meals. The houses are just a little bit too Edward Scissor Hands. Which means your neighbors will keep a clean tidy well mowed yard. The women are a piece of The Stepford Wives project. So you don't have to know about anything accept what is in the latest pottery barn catalog to fit in. Piece of cake - or Sushi in the case of the triangle area. The men look like something out of 1980's corporate America in relaxed casual Friday golf clothing. A JC Penny's Catalog is more evocative. Everything is a chain and everything is name brand. If you like little out of the way mom and pop shops and eaterys they exist only in little pockets here and there. Like Glenwood Avenue in Raleigh or Main street in Apex. Topics of discussion are always centered around what you plan to buy next. In that spirit you can imagine that the American style Christmas is well celebrated here. Now if you are an artist or musician or part of the creative class we live in an underground status like the wizards and muggles in Harry Potter. We come out and rub elbows with the muggles once a month on something called First Friday. If you are a Christian artist go to Vintage 21 Church. That is the "creativity" church, you'll be welcomed there. Now if you are young and dating I have bad news for you the streets roll up every night around 8:00. The town disappears like the horseman in Cinderella. The high point of this is you kids are unlikely to get into trouble at night or be out latter than 10:00. Also it is very hard to meet someone in Raleigh or Cary. The towns are really more for people who have already found that special someone. There are only a few strip clubs and porn shops which is nice if you come from a town where there is one on every corner. The school systems stink - both private and public. Something like 49th in the nation or something horrible like that. I think Mississippi is the only one worse off then we are. The teachers are very bright but they are saddled to a broken system that does not allow them to teach. Your kid will only learn what you teach them. But they will definitely know how to pass a standardized test like an Ace. This helps with college entrance exams. Consider private tutoring or a group like Kumon. Now this is just the high points. I will seek to elaborate on Cary more as this blog progresses.
Art - Just exactly like it looks
If you have been reading my blog by now you know my son has Autism. Just like me. He has gross motor skill problems. In other words he can't write. Gripping his pencil to hard, bearing down on the paper and scratching out some thing that looks like ancient hieroglyphs. I on the other hand I develop a savant like ability early on for draftsmanship. If you stand in front of me, I can draw you - exactly as you look. I can do it with just about anything. Many people have encouraged me to go into medical illustration. Which I think sound like a horrible life spent with dead animals or cadavers. Always smelling like formaldehyde. My son tries very hard to draw like I do and he can't. It frustrates him. I give him the same heart felt advice every time he gets frustrated about it. "If people wanted artwork that looked exactly like something - they would just take a picture of it, frame it and call it a day. But people don't want exact renderings of things they want art that has energy and makes them feel a certain something. Truthfully, art that is really great doesn't look exactly like the subject that inspired it."
He listens, he responds "I know." He looks defeated and frustrated. Here is the sad but funny part. His art is amazing. He just recently tried to copy a small painting of an apple that I did. My apple painting looks exactly like an apple in a box. (boring)His apple doesn't look like an apple at all. It looks like a rocket red balloon with a stem the vibrates like a dynamite fuse. The box is constructed or hard razor like crayon marks that dance around the apple. Truthfully his apple is much better. But he cried because his apple didn't look like my painting.I hugged him and consoled him that I liked his apple drawing better than mine and that it was beautiful like a bright star in the night.
Autistic kids are so easily frustrated. I wish my son could see how fantastic he is.
He listens, he responds "I know." He looks defeated and frustrated. Here is the sad but funny part. His art is amazing. He just recently tried to copy a small painting of an apple that I did. My apple painting looks exactly like an apple in a box. (boring)His apple doesn't look like an apple at all. It looks like a rocket red balloon with a stem the vibrates like a dynamite fuse. The box is constructed or hard razor like crayon marks that dance around the apple. Truthfully his apple is much better. But he cried because his apple didn't look like my painting.I hugged him and consoled him that I liked his apple drawing better than mine and that it was beautiful like a bright star in the night.
Autistic kids are so easily frustrated. I wish my son could see how fantastic he is.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
honoring your partners individuality
Make a donation or buy a gift to honor someone and that's it?????? This is all that we have available to show honor? Many of us fall into this trap believing if we don't get a gift for mothers day that we are not honored as a mother. What a lousy way to live. In Tae Kwon Do I give a deep reverent bow to my instructor many times during practice not only does it show respect but it shows that I honor him.
Individuality now that is another thing all together. My husband likes getting up early and I like to sleep late. We fight about whether the dishes should be rinsed in running water to increase cleanliness or a basin of clean water to save water as a resource. Did you fold the sheets "right"? As in "did you do it my way." Appreciating that we arrive together each day at our house with different expectations and needs is the hard grind of marriage. So how do I say that I can honor my husbands individuality when most of time it is - irritating. Buying him a gift or donating money will not make his individuality less irritating or honor it.
So I ask my husband most nights if there is one small thing he would like to do. (sex is not on the list - that's not a small thing). Most of time he says he would like to sit on the front porch and chat for about 10 minutes. Usually it is just small talk. Other time he wants to go to REI by himself or go work out for 30 minutes. By making a place for his needs I honor his individuality.
You must understand that my husband is a man and he doesn't really get "reciprocity". Do unto others as you would have done unto you. He is more of the get everything you can why the gettin is good. And if you want something you'd better speak up - real loud.
But by continuing to honor his individuality on a daily basis he is starting to get it. I am hearing questions now like. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
I allow for opportunities for him to eat and sleep outside of our regular family meals or bedtimes. This honors his individuality by not insisting that he fit into a prefab schedule - even if he is the one that made the schedule. Don't get me wrong if he is stuffing his face like a pig or sleeping all day that is just sloth and leaving him to wallow in it would not be loving.
I give "thank yous" instead of gifts. Sometime long list of written "thank yous". Like Emily Post with a new box of stationery. I want him to see that I notice him and honor his individual efforts to honor our family. I pray aloud for him and thank God for him at the table each night. I thank God that he made us different but gave us to each other too.
I have taken a walk to each room in our house and asked my husband. "what do you like best about this room?" I am looking for a specific architectural component with this question. Often times, it is the same thing I like about the room. I try to keep that one thing that he likes clean and beautiful. I am not a neat freak or a slob. We have 2 kids and our house stays in a bit of disarray. My mother could have earned 3 doctorates in nuclear science in the time she spent cleaning house when I was growing up. It was a waste of her time and potential. But I am not trying to be Martha Stewart I just keep that one thing that he likes - nice. In this way I honor his individuality.
Love you honey.
Individuality now that is another thing all together. My husband likes getting up early and I like to sleep late. We fight about whether the dishes should be rinsed in running water to increase cleanliness or a basin of clean water to save water as a resource. Did you fold the sheets "right"? As in "did you do it my way." Appreciating that we arrive together each day at our house with different expectations and needs is the hard grind of marriage. So how do I say that I can honor my husbands individuality when most of time it is - irritating. Buying him a gift or donating money will not make his individuality less irritating or honor it.
So I ask my husband most nights if there is one small thing he would like to do. (sex is not on the list - that's not a small thing). Most of time he says he would like to sit on the front porch and chat for about 10 minutes. Usually it is just small talk. Other time he wants to go to REI by himself or go work out for 30 minutes. By making a place for his needs I honor his individuality.
You must understand that my husband is a man and he doesn't really get "reciprocity". Do unto others as you would have done unto you. He is more of the get everything you can why the gettin is good. And if you want something you'd better speak up - real loud.
But by continuing to honor his individuality on a daily basis he is starting to get it. I am hearing questions now like. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
I allow for opportunities for him to eat and sleep outside of our regular family meals or bedtimes. This honors his individuality by not insisting that he fit into a prefab schedule - even if he is the one that made the schedule. Don't get me wrong if he is stuffing his face like a pig or sleeping all day that is just sloth and leaving him to wallow in it would not be loving.
I give "thank yous" instead of gifts. Sometime long list of written "thank yous". Like Emily Post with a new box of stationery. I want him to see that I notice him and honor his individual efforts to honor our family. I pray aloud for him and thank God for him at the table each night. I thank God that he made us different but gave us to each other too.
I have taken a walk to each room in our house and asked my husband. "what do you like best about this room?" I am looking for a specific architectural component with this question. Often times, it is the same thing I like about the room. I try to keep that one thing that he likes clean and beautiful. I am not a neat freak or a slob. We have 2 kids and our house stays in a bit of disarray. My mother could have earned 3 doctorates in nuclear science in the time she spent cleaning house when I was growing up. It was a waste of her time and potential. But I am not trying to be Martha Stewart I just keep that one thing that he likes - nice. In this way I honor his individuality.
Love you honey.
Religious Objection to Vaccination Letter
We already have a son who has autism we do so much for him and still I look in his eyes and I see a scream; "let me out, let me out of this horrible box!" Not wanting to see the same pleading screams in my daughter eyes my husband and I have developed a deep religious conviction against vaccinations. Beleiving they are actually wrong and against Gods plan for our little family.
Here is a copy of our letter to Religious Objection to Vaccination Letter. Remember to get yours notorized. You don't need an attorney. Different state require that the letter be registered with other state organization. Do you home work. It may mean that your child starts a month late for kindergarten but it is worth it if you believe as we do that these vaccinations are hurting our children both physically and spiritually.
START:
Statement of Religious Objection to Immunization
In accordance with NC State Statute NCAC 41A.0401, and G.S. 130A-152 through 130A-157, I hereby certify that the administration of vaccine and other
Immunizing agents to my child, {childs name}, is contrary to my
Religious beliefs, held either individually or jointly with others, and I
Therefore request that my child be exempted from the school immunization
Requirements of NC State Statute NCAC 41A.0401, and G.S. 130A-152 through 130A-157
We believe in God, and that God has created us in his image. In being
Created in God’s image, we are given his perfect immune system. We are
bestowed with His gift, the immune system. I believe it is sacrilegious and
a violation of my sacred religious beliefs to violate what God has given us
by showing a lack of faith in God. Immunizations are a lack of faith in God
and His creation of the immune system. I believe that receiving immunizations shows
God that I have no faith in His promises of protection for us, saying that I
trust man more than His holy words of protection for us. We believe in
Jesus and his many promises of protection for us if we place our trust in
Him.
My religious beliefs are also based upon the understanding of what God
requires as provided for in the Bible.
1 Corinthians 8:6
Yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for
whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and
through whom we exist.
2 Corinthians 6:16-7:1
For we are the temple of the living God; and God said, "I will live in them
and move among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Therefore come out from them and be separate from them, and be separate from
them, says the Lord, and touch nothing unclean; and I will welcome you, and
I will be a father to you, and you shall be my sons and daughters, says the
Almighty." Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves
from every defilement of body and spirit, and make holiness perfect in the
fear of God. Romans 14:14. Therefore we believe vaccines to be unclean and of the world not separate from them.
God has adjusted the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior
part, that there may be not discord in the body, but that the members may
have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer
together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are in the
body of Christ and individually members of it.
1Corinthians 11:29-30.
Therefore we believe vaccinations are a creation of discord that seeks to undo Gods adjustments of the body and the will of God.
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks
judgment upon himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some
of you have died. Therefore we have discerned that vaccination is not for the nourishment of the body but brings judgment upon the body.
Mark 2:17
And they were exceedingly astonished, and said to him "Then who can be
saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With men it is impossible, but not
with God; for all things are possible with God." Therefore we place all full trust in God for our well being and find it a rejection of Jesus offer of salvation to receive vaccination.
1 Corinthians 2:5
That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of
God.
Mark 5:34
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own
doing, it is the gift of God - not because of works, lest any man should
boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for goods works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Psalms 91:11. The willfully sinful heart believes that they are saved from illness because of our own works such as vaccinations. Receiving vaccination is a rejection of His workmanship.
For he will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways.
Isaiah 58:11
And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good
things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
I swear that all the foregoing statements are true to the best of my
information, knowledge and belief.
END:
Here is a copy of our letter to Religious Objection to Vaccination Letter. Remember to get yours notorized. You don't need an attorney. Different state require that the letter be registered with other state organization. Do you home work. It may mean that your child starts a month late for kindergarten but it is worth it if you believe as we do that these vaccinations are hurting our children both physically and spiritually.
START:
Statement of Religious Objection to Immunization
In accordance with NC State Statute NCAC 41A.0401, and G.S. 130A-152 through 130A-157, I hereby certify that the administration of vaccine and other
Immunizing agents to my child, {childs name}, is contrary to my
Religious beliefs, held either individually or jointly with others, and I
Therefore request that my child be exempted from the school immunization
Requirements of NC State Statute NCAC 41A.0401, and G.S. 130A-152 through 130A-157
We believe in God, and that God has created us in his image. In being
Created in God’s image, we are given his perfect immune system. We are
bestowed with His gift, the immune system. I believe it is sacrilegious and
a violation of my sacred religious beliefs to violate what God has given us
by showing a lack of faith in God. Immunizations are a lack of faith in God
and His creation of the immune system. I believe that receiving immunizations shows
God that I have no faith in His promises of protection for us, saying that I
trust man more than His holy words of protection for us. We believe in
Jesus and his many promises of protection for us if we place our trust in
Him.
My religious beliefs are also based upon the understanding of what God
requires as provided for in the Bible.
1 Corinthians 8:6
Yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for
whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and
through whom we exist.
2 Corinthians 6:16-7:1
For we are the temple of the living God; and God said, "I will live in them
and move among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
Therefore come out from them and be separate from them, and be separate from
them, says the Lord, and touch nothing unclean; and I will welcome you, and
I will be a father to you, and you shall be my sons and daughters, says the
Almighty." Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves
from every defilement of body and spirit, and make holiness perfect in the
fear of God. Romans 14:14. Therefore we believe vaccines to be unclean and of the world not separate from them.
God has adjusted the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior
part, that there may be not discord in the body, but that the members may
have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer
together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are in the
body of Christ and individually members of it.
1Corinthians 11:29-30.
Therefore we believe vaccinations are a creation of discord that seeks to undo Gods adjustments of the body and the will of God.
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks
judgment upon himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some
of you have died. Therefore we have discerned that vaccination is not for the nourishment of the body but brings judgment upon the body.
Mark 2:17
And they were exceedingly astonished, and said to him "Then who can be
saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "With men it is impossible, but not
with God; for all things are possible with God." Therefore we place all full trust in God for our well being and find it a rejection of Jesus offer of salvation to receive vaccination.
1 Corinthians 2:5
That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of
God.
Mark 5:34
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own
doing, it is the gift of God - not because of works, lest any man should
boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for goods works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Psalms 91:11. The willfully sinful heart believes that they are saved from illness because of our own works such as vaccinations. Receiving vaccination is a rejection of His workmanship.
For he will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways.
Isaiah 58:11
And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good
things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
I swear that all the foregoing statements are true to the best of my
information, knowledge and belief.
END:
Monday, July 7, 2008
Redoing the living room
I enter through the house through the laundry room/kitchen. I hate that. Instead of chaning the laundry room/kitchen I am going to change the place where I enter the house. Which means the front door lock has to be changed so it will actually open.
Once in side. I will change things in this order:
New door lock...
Next:
1. new book case by fire place
2. change fire place from natural to gas
3. special rug for the door way
4. special art for the hall way facing the doorway.
5. stain glass window for the old window with the ugly view
6. new tv thats not analog subscribe to cable tv
7. tv cabinet
8. 2 relaxing chairs with foot stool
Once in side. I will change things in this order:
New door lock...
Next:
1. new book case by fire place
2. change fire place from natural to gas
3. special rug for the door way
4. special art for the hall way facing the doorway.
5. stain glass window for the old window with the ugly view
6. new tv thats not analog subscribe to cable tv
7. tv cabinet
8. 2 relaxing chairs with foot stool
Obesogens: Things that make you fat today and your unborn grandchildren fat
Toxic to common marine animals even in parts per billion these common gene altering chemicals are endocrine distrupters that cause obesity in humans. The altered genetic coded is passed on for a minimum of 3 generations. They may also contribute to other various cancers. Most widely used obesogens.
Tributyltin:Endocrine distrupter. Common in peticides, Wood pulp, Furniture, Textiles (outdoor fabrics). Very common in the environment.
Bisphenol A: Very common in the enviornment
Products containing or made from Bisphenol A have been in commerce for more than 50 years, and its current uses are numerous. Polyesters, polysulfones. Used in some plasticizers, and as a polymerization inhibitor in PVC. Epoxy resins, Shatter-proof plastics, is used to make a variety of common products including baby and water bottles, sports equipment, medical devices, CDs, and household electronics.Epoxy resins are used as coatings on the inside of almost all food and beverage cans. It is also a precursor to the flame retardant tetrabromobisphenol A, and was formerly used as a fungicide.
Phthalate
Some phthalates will be restricted in the U.S. state of California (for children's toys) starting in 2009.In Connecticut, state legislators are considering a bill that would ban phthalates in children's products.In addition, approximately a dozen states have introduced--or are considering introducing--legislation to ban phthalates in toys and other consumer products.
Because evidence indicates that phthalates are harmful to humans and that phthalates may lead to serious diseases (such as cancer and reproductive problems), Congress is considering banning phthalates in children's products and toys as part of the 2008 reauthorization of the Consumer Product Safety Commission. If successful, this effort will reduce potentially dangerous exposures that could harm children's development and increase the risk of cancer as adults.
DDT: You know bug spray.
"Recent studies have proposed a first set of candidate obesogens that target nuclear hormone receptor signaling pathways (sex steroid, RXR–PPARγ and GR) with relevance to adipocyte biology and the developmental origins of health and disease (DOHaD)."
Felix Grün1 and Bruce Blumberg1
Department of Developmental and Cell Biology, University of California Irvine, Irvine, CA, USA
There is no reason to act in fear. What is in you body or your kids body is there. Endocrine Therapy is available to most people. Write your congress person and ask that Phthalate be banned in childrens products. But it won't end their. Chemical manufactures will just create a new chemical to serve the purpose the old chemical did. Let your congress person know you would like to see laws passed that make the production and sale of any endochrine disruptive adjent illegal.
Tributyltin:Endocrine distrupter. Common in peticides, Wood pulp, Furniture, Textiles (outdoor fabrics). Very common in the environment.
Bisphenol A: Very common in the enviornment
Products containing or made from Bisphenol A have been in commerce for more than 50 years, and its current uses are numerous. Polyesters, polysulfones. Used in some plasticizers, and as a polymerization inhibitor in PVC. Epoxy resins, Shatter-proof plastics, is used to make a variety of common products including baby and water bottles, sports equipment, medical devices, CDs, and household electronics.Epoxy resins are used as coatings on the inside of almost all food and beverage cans. It is also a precursor to the flame retardant tetrabromobisphenol A, and was formerly used as a fungicide.
Phthalate
Some phthalates will be restricted in the U.S. state of California (for children's toys) starting in 2009.In Connecticut, state legislators are considering a bill that would ban phthalates in children's products.In addition, approximately a dozen states have introduced--or are considering introducing--legislation to ban phthalates in toys and other consumer products.
Because evidence indicates that phthalates are harmful to humans and that phthalates may lead to serious diseases (such as cancer and reproductive problems), Congress is considering banning phthalates in children's products and toys as part of the 2008 reauthorization of the Consumer Product Safety Commission. If successful, this effort will reduce potentially dangerous exposures that could harm children's development and increase the risk of cancer as adults.
DDT: You know bug spray.
"Recent studies have proposed a first set of candidate obesogens that target nuclear hormone receptor signaling pathways (sex steroid, RXR–PPARγ and GR) with relevance to adipocyte biology and the developmental origins of health and disease (DOHaD)."
Felix Grün1 and Bruce Blumberg1
Department of Developmental and Cell Biology, University of California Irvine, Irvine, CA, USA
There is no reason to act in fear. What is in you body or your kids body is there. Endocrine Therapy is available to most people. Write your congress person and ask that Phthalate be banned in childrens products. But it won't end their. Chemical manufactures will just create a new chemical to serve the purpose the old chemical did. Let your congress person know you would like to see laws passed that make the production and sale of any endochrine disruptive adjent illegal.
Routines that are your life support
Do you have everyday routines that support your life? Or better phrased do you have routines that are your life support? If you do please comment. I have a monastic sensibility and tend to pair everything down to only what is needed, very bare bones. As a result everything gets starved. You would understand if you could see me. Bare bones and starved is a pretty close description. It’s not that I fear fat or think that I am fat. It is just that food in large quantities is not necessary for me to move from one task to the next in my life. Hunger is just a background irritation that gets in the way of fun. It can be ignored. But that all there is – just moving from one task to the next. How much fun is really going on when I am ignoring my basic needs? Don’t get me wrong, I eat for pleasure. I will go hungry rather than eat mediocre food. In the town I live in there are some great restaurant on all sides of me where I can get a quick lunch. McDonalds, Chick-fila, Wendys, Taco-Bell. – YUCK! It makes my colon hurt to think about it. I can’t even stand the smell of the drive thru. We have a Whole Foods hot and cold bar right down the street. But you can’t get full for less than $10.00 and quite frankly the food is not that great. So I am struggling to develop rituals that really support my life. Like eating well. For today’s lunch I packed a peanut butter with peach jelly sandwich on whole wheat. This is an all time favorite. Not too over ripe banana. One nectarine, a summer time delicacy. 6 Oreo cookies and some sun dried pineapple bits. For water I have Dasani with B vitamin Berry Propell that I can add to it for flavor. For Breakfast I had a bowl of cereal. This is new for me. I have this ritual of skipping breakfast and going to Cariboo Coffee every morning. I love this ritual. I get a large latte. I can hardly wait to get it in my mouth from the minute I wake up. I don’t brew coffee at home because the smell makes my husband very sick. But a large latte a day is 3.75. That’s almost the cost of a gallon of gas. It’s about $115.00 a month. Quite frankly that is just way, way, way out of our budget. My husband would be dumb founded if he knew this went on every day. That amount is basically my tithe a church that I am not doing faithfully. So I am asking God to please fill me each morning with the same satisfaction from eating breakfast that the Latte from the Boo is giving me. I didn’t lean on God completely this morning I ate breakfast and then got a small latte.
Prayer: God help me have the strength to leave the latte’s behind me and become satisfied in you. Help me to eat a good breakfast that will leave my longing for lattes in the dust. Amen
Do I have any other life sustaining rituals other than that latte. – Nope.
Second Prayer: God help develop several life sustaining rituals I can do each day that are beautiful and rewarding to you. Possibly one ritual for every hour of the day so that work doesn’t feel so much like enslavement. -Amen
Prayer: God help me have the strength to leave the latte’s behind me and become satisfied in you. Help me to eat a good breakfast that will leave my longing for lattes in the dust. Amen
Do I have any other life sustaining rituals other than that latte. – Nope.
Second Prayer: God help develop several life sustaining rituals I can do each day that are beautiful and rewarding to you. Possibly one ritual for every hour of the day so that work doesn’t feel so much like enslavement. -Amen
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I am an aunt...again
I am an aunt again to a baby girl. I am elated. 9 pounds and 21 inches long. I haven't seen any pictures yet. I tried to play the NC powerball lottery to celebrate but I have never played before and don't understand what the cut off times and days are. So who knows if I won.
Sadly a good friend was in a one person car accident with a tree that resulted in an electrical fire. It cost him his leg.
I am reading the Army's recently published account of the Iraq war. It is so disturbing. Here it is independence day and I am not sure how to feel about America. One thing that is clear - our Army was noble and forthright with the administration about the chances of success in the Iraq war and General Sanchez may end up being a war hero. Who knew? We are currently paying Iraqi militants billions not to kill us. What a mess.
We have so many laws in place to protect the people from the military. Oddly it appears this go round we needed to be protected from our own executive branch. I hope we the people will take legislative steps to make sure that War can never be declared again in the face of so much opposition.
Sadly a good friend was in a one person car accident with a tree that resulted in an electrical fire. It cost him his leg.
I am reading the Army's recently published account of the Iraq war. It is so disturbing. Here it is independence day and I am not sure how to feel about America. One thing that is clear - our Army was noble and forthright with the administration about the chances of success in the Iraq war and General Sanchez may end up being a war hero. Who knew? We are currently paying Iraqi militants billions not to kill us. What a mess.
We have so many laws in place to protect the people from the military. Oddly it appears this go round we needed to be protected from our own executive branch. I hope we the people will take legislative steps to make sure that War can never be declared again in the face of so much opposition.
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