You can always get a student loan

I went to a high school that bused in poor kids. Kids that lived in rental share cropper shacks or gutted broken down school buses on dirt roads. They had no cars and lived more than 100 miles from civilization. They had never been apart of social services because there was no way to use the services. How do you use food stamps when you have no refrigerator. Homes with one bare light bulb. Invisible people who had never been to public schools and have lived off the grid since slavery was abolished. "Poverty Pockets" that some school official discovered and reported the children living in that pocket as truant. And big orange school buses appeared on their little dirt roads every morning to take the farm labor off the farms and off to school.

I remember telling one of the "bused in" girls who was dropping out of high school to take care of her mom not to do it. She was a straight A student. Her mom had become so obese that she couldn't walk and she had emphysema.(How people that poor have the money to get fat a buy cigarettes I will never understand) My friend was just one year away from graduating. I said, "your mom doesn't want you to quit she wants you to be more than she ever was. Stay in school." I had no idea at that moment her mother was dependent on her daughter just to get to the bathroom and she was begging her daughter to quit school. God as my wittiness, I would die before I asked my kids to do something like that. I don't understand what goes on there.

Then I said, "you have good grades you can go to college". At that I got a snort. I said no really, "anyone can go to college if you just apply for a student loan. You borrow 50K but when you get out of college you can start out making 40K a year or more. You can pay back that loan in no time".

She gave me the look of total terror.

I always thought that filling out a student loan application should be a required part of senior math. But right now quietly the government student loan program is slipping into oblivion because of the sub prime mortgage crisis. Sallie Mae the largest student loan provider is going under. Each day we creep closer and closer to a pre "New Deal" America.

Off to Kindergarten

I cried when I dropped my daughter off at her first day of kindergarten today. I wasn’t ready for my baby to be a kindergartener. A day I have been striving for so long. “Striving” my evil twin. Have you ever heard the wise saying: “life is a journey not a destination”. For me life is a series of destinations. It’s all hurry up and get there. One goal after another, always an agenda. I wanted her to go to school because I wanted my financial security and freedom back. I have been holding my breath waiting for my daughter to go to kindergarten so I could stop paying for day care. I don’t think I have been the best mother to her. I’ve been seeing her as a burden. Not on purpose, not consciously but I have been. So what are the deep dark things you want to hurry up and have happen? It is a seriously ugly picture when I look at my list

I want my time back so I want my kids to hurry up and get more self-sufficient or grow up so I can get on with “my life”. So I am busy missing my real life. The one that includes my children.

I want to hurry up and retire because I hate working a 9 to 5 er in a cubical. I want to get on with doing things I want. So I end up lonely and I miss out on the chance to make life long friends at work.

I want my husband to hurry up and take his physical therapy seriously so we can enjoy more of our lives together. So I miss out on enjoying my husband right here today just the way he is.

Well my mother in law called up last night to let us know that she has lung cancer. She is probably going to die from this. Not because her cancer is untreatable but because she is ready to be done with living. She is ready to hurry up and die. She had a terrible marriage to an abusive man. She finally divorced in her 60’s. We thought this would be the dawning of a new era for her. She always professed to be a nice woman who was horribly subjugated and if she could just get free of her oppressor she could live the happy life she always wanted. Ironically that husband who by all accounts was a real SOB turned into a gentle quiet man after their divorce and she just got meaner and meaner. She has lived the last year of her life in sickness as a shut in. She calls this “her freedom”. She has been shrewd and knifing to keep her drivers license even though she keeps wrecking her car. Even though she can’t drive to see anyone because no one wants her around because she is so awful. She won’t let anyone help her get medical help. She doesn’t want help. She doesn’t want anyone to care for her. She wants to control it all. She obsessively wants to see her grandchildren but she is so mean to us or them when we bring them over that we can’t bring them to see her.

“Well” I tell myself, “take a good long look at her” - this what, “Hurry up and whatever… looks like. This is what “control over my life” looks like.

I was working on a piece of artwork just the other day and I heard myself say, “I wish I could do this ALL the time.”

It was totally true I do wish I could do my art ALL of the time. Just like it was the last 2 years of Art School.

So who wants to be married to some one who would rather be doing something else?

Who wants a mom who would rather be working on their art work that hanging out with their kid?

Who wants a friend who is talking to them but is really wishing they could get the conversation over with so they can get back to what they where doing?

God help me.

Tae Kwon Do for Autism

I was at a sparring class last Friday that went really wrong for an Autistic teenager. As a 38 year old women with HFA, a black belt in Karate and Brown belt in Tae Kwon Do and a son with HFA I have to warn you about the billing of Tae Kwon Do as a “solution or therapy” for autism. I have posted about this before in this group but just in case you are new I will say it again plainly. Tae Kwon Do or other fighting martial arts are not usually a good idea for Autistic kids. It is the rare case that does well in Tae Kwon Do or Karate not the norm. Absolutely do not take you autistic kid to the “sparring” sessions.

If you want your kid to get better motor control do Yoga or Tai Chi or Horseback Riding. If you are looking for some place for your kid to “work out their aggression”. Try therapy or drug treatment. But don’t arm a kid with a bad temper and poor social skills with the ability to kill in one strike. No he won’t get picked on at school anymore but your will have to visit him in jail for the rest of his life.

Tae Kwon Do is all about strict social rules that are nearly impossible for them to filter. When to do Tae Kwon Do and when not to is totally impossible for them to understand and they become a lethal force a school.

Just a simple example: At Tae Kwon Do I will try and new kick and fall on my butt and every one will laugh at me a little. We all do it is a part of supporting each other to “laugh it off”. It is a way of reassuring each other that it is ok to fail. Most Autistic kids don’t get that concept of “laughing it off”. They have shame attack instead and become aggressive as they think others are “laughing at them”. The formula for calming a student who is out of control is - penalty. The penalty is usually an abrupt “take off you belt and sit on the side lines now!” This makes and already angry Autistic kid furious because they have no clue what is happening or what they did. There is no nice, gentle, reassuring talk in Martial Arts. This is point where autistic kids start punching and swearing at the 7th degree black belt teaching the class. Now a black belt at that level is in control and a faithful teacher and they won’t hit your kid but he will throw them out of the class. The other lower belts kids in the class won’t be so nice. They will defend themselves and they will take your kids head off. You’ll be visiting your child in the hospital in head trauma unit for the next week or two.

There is a very strict honor code at Tae Kwon Do because we have children there of all ages. You may never curse or loose your temper. You may never hit or punch. You may only use formal fighting techniques and only during a match. These techniques are pain staking to learn. Just look at what happen to Angel of Cuba the bronze medalist in the Olympics. He and his coach are bared for life from Tae Kwon Do any where in the world and their record or ever participating in the sport will be deleted forever. Why? Because they broke the honor code and behaved in a way that was not in keeping with the “spirit” of sportsmanship in Tae Kwon Do.

Post cards from Vegas

Sorry I have been out of touch for a while. Thank you so much for all the emails cheering me on. I have been trying to get my son ready for 3rd grade and my baby ready for kindergarten. Get the tissues.

I am 126 lbs and holding. I started out at 112 pounds so we are doing great. I've had to start working out a little more to spread it around to the right places. Otherwise I will just have a 100 pound butt. The only problem is needing new clothes. I've gone from a size 2 to a size 8 pants. I need to get my cholesterol checked too.

My neighbor is a huge inspiration. She was 280 and 5'4. She is 160. She did it in 6 months. Last month she lost 38 pounds. I asked her how she did it and she said, "I just stopped eating." She came up with a list 3 things that where more important than food and pasted them around the house and every time she got hungry she just worked on her listed instead. One priority was working out so that helped the weight loss. She has 2 kids the same age as mine so making time to work out each day is hard. She was really depressed staying at home with her kids but one day she said, "food just is not going to be my God anymore." I like that approach. Her appetite changed naturally without any effort. She just started eating high protein high vegetable meals. She says she love sweets but they just aren't the 3 things on her list.

Her list says...
God
Family
Working Out

She an I both get the shakes from a sugar low. She turned me on to Propell. It kicks butt.

Speaking of kicking butt and working out I am a brown belt now. Creeping ever closer to our black belt goal. Keep the emails coming I need the encouragement. I want to get a black belt March 2009. I have two more color belts to go - purple and red.

I am writing a book with my son too and it will be published by a non-profit. - Coral. Its a great start on our goal to write childrens books.

Thank you

Poison Control?

You’ve heard me talk about my daughters Pica. We went to visit her grandfather in Greensboro. He is a good old boy farmer who ideals come directly from the great depression. He is even afraid to keep his money in the bank. Well to keep rats out of his house he puts our rat poison mixed with peanut butter and honey. He mixes this tasty treat in bowl and sets in on the floor in his kitchen behind an end table he uses to put his telephone books on. I discovered this habit when suddenly I realized my daughter had slipped out of my site for just a second. This is always bad. She is sneaky and fast and always getting into something she shouldn’t. I found her crouched down in the corner of the kitchen behind an end table eating fist fulls of the poisonous mixture. Off to the hospital! ASAP. I had no idea he or anyone else still used rat poison. It generally is a bad idea because the rats eat it – feel sick – go back to their burrow – which is usually somewhere in your house – and die – and then rot and stink to high hell.

Well she got me again today. My 8 year old son takes Respidol because he has HFA. I put a cup of milk and the 2 pills down in front of him at the kitchen table. His sister distracts him for just a second by asking him “where did his favorite stuffed animal go.” It was right there on the kitchen table. He started to look around for it for just a second when he realized his sister probably has it and this is a prank. Indeed it was she was sitting on his stuffed polar bear laughing. My son returns to the task of taking his pills and notices one is missing. Ah appears she took more than just his polar bear. In fact the polar bear was just a clever ploy to take his medicine.

“My sister took my medicine!” He yells. House goes into chaos. We call the doctor. Can her little 5 year old 40 pound body take .50 of Respidol? Turns out the answer is yes but it is the maximum dose. But she is going to be really sluggish.

I detest all acts of violence against children. But she is really pushing my buttons.

Segregation

I went through segregation and integration twice. They integrated Henry Adams in Cary NC in earnest when I was in the second grade (1979). I had never been taught anything about black people good or bad. Just that they where. I read about Martin Luther King for the first time in 1st grade but in the first grade you have no sense of time and history. 1854,1954, 1964…1984 they are all the same. The people they talked about in the book where all some one else. I did however find Martin Luther King to be a worthy role model. There was this “N” word that people would say and my mother or father would promptly remove us from the room at the slightest mention by someone. We would be whisked away so quick that I wasn’t entirely sure what the person had said. So in the second grade suddenly there where all these black girls. I had heard they had been bused in from great distances. Now to me they looked exotic and beautiful and the fact that they would ride the bus for an hour and half to get to my school seemed like they where doing me a great honor. But every time I tried to talk to one of the black girls they would send me to talk to Melissa a “the light skinned” girl as they put it. She was considered “black but I think I was blacker than she was as white girl with a summer tan. It seemed to me they where very snobbish group and really hurt my feelings. I was a very innocent and earnest little girl and I had no idea why they where rejecting me so. I cried to my mother about it and she did not know how to explain it to me. She just said ‘keep trying’.

A week later my head started to itch. So did my two brothers. We had head lice. My teacher explained to me that is was from all the niggers that had been bused in. I had to stay out of school for a week. In fact 50% of the school went home. At dinner I told my mother and father that we all had head lice because of all the niggers that had been bused in. I had no idea what I was saying. I was just repeating my teacher. I have never seen my parents react like that. It was confusion and chaos. In second all my brothers and sister where out of the kitchen and I was alone with a very angry father. “Where did you here” that? Who taught you that word? I replied, “at school” and “from my teacher”. My father was beat red in the face he was so angry he was spitting when he talked. I don’t remember exactly what he said but in a few short minute. I understood what the N word was and what racism was. Crystal clear.

Naturally it was true that we all had head lice from the new black kids that had been bused in because Henry Adams had never had an out break of head lice. – Oh right – give me a break. Just the a few years prior they had to close the school because of head lice outbreak. My teachers where so ignorant that my parents had to finally teach me to read in the 3rd grade and I never learned any math really until I was in college. My father fancied himself a math whiz but was really about stupid as my second grade teacher in that area but he doesn’t seem to realize this. That’s ok I will give him a break he taught me not to say the N word and that racism was ignorance.

So I went to my fathers High School for my Junior and Senior year. It was in Louisiana. Louisiana is still pretty much pre-jim-crow. I went to a “self segregated” public high school. Everyone was white accept for 5 to 10 kids who where allowed in the school to make it look on paper as if it was integrated to the federal government. There was a tax penalty that the parish had to pay the state of Louisiana who would intern pay the US Government for having such a low population of black student. The cost of that penalty was the tuition white parents paid for student to attend the school. So in essence this public school acted like and all white private school. Until the middle of my senior year when the law came down and appointed a black principal to the school. Ending the segregation. Black student flooded into the school. White parents pulled their kids out and put them in private schools. Pretty soon the tables turned and I was in the minority. It was ugly I gotten beaten up by a large group after History class one day for referring to black people as colored during a review of the Civil Rights Era. It was ugly. Race clashes happened everyday, at sporting events and even at the prom.

But I could understand the anger. I saw it on my Dads face when I said the N word at the dinner table in second grade. Everyday I thought to myself “I would be angry too” as I pushed on the wooden door to open the girls bathroom. There on the door was the outline of where the brass letters had once been that said “white”. This was 1988.

I understand from cousins that live there that to this day black people still struggle to recognize the basic civil rights granted to the grandparents.

Unrankled

Ok, I am getting over it. I have found a way to see the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Without paying anything or downloading Silverlight or upgrading to Vista Ultimate. Thankfully my Spanish is good. Gosh this has really rankled me.

My Home Town: Cary NC

“The Raleigh Pullen and Sertoma Arts Centers are showcasing artwork by children: Exploring Raleigh NC’s Changing Landscape. An opening-day reception, will be held at the Block Gallery. The exhibition will be on display through September 16th.”

It made me start to wonder. What about Cary NC. It has been ranked the number one place to live by multiple magazines including National Geographic, US News and World Report just to name a few. So I started to think what would happen if we had the same art competition for Cary. Exploring Cary NC’s Changing Landscape.

I remember when I was in Art school we went all over the place to sketch architectural and natural wonders that exist in great American cities both large and small. But when you go into any municipal building, bank or doctors office or even art gallery and look at art depicting Cary NC they are always of “old” Cary NC …Cary NC 40 to 50 years ago when it was still small and agrarian. Nostalgic art if you will. Why is that?

To be honest there is nothing particularly noteworthy in terms of architecture, environmental design or outdoor sculpture in Cary NC. In other words there is nothing for the artists to sketch. Cary NC is quickly destroying everything that is cool about Cary. Such as the road widening work that is going right now over top of the Hemlock Bluffs State Park. Cary NC doesn’t totally suck, it is in many ways better than ever. But honestly it has become one strip mall after another with a bunch of rinky-dink businesses or national chains in them. Nothing worth real artistic notation.

They slap these facades on the fronts of the strip malls to try and give the impression of architectural master piece but you feel more like you are on a Hollywood movie set in a “town scene” where all the stores in the shot are just 2 dimensional facades made of glass and chipboard. We have to try harder than this.

They have an odd obsession with landscaping the roadside. This adds to the fakey Hollywood set look of the town. We can’t let anything just grow naturally. First they import dirt. Next step: use a bulldozer to shape it into an idealist looking slop and plant it with a nonnative blue grass mix and nonnative dwarf style landscaping ever greens. They call it a “green space”. To the rest of us they are just tearing up the already beautiful natural landscape. Plus it has to be watered and we are already in year over year drought.

They do war with all the old trees. Every time a nice big old oak tree that really adds so history and depth to the city turns up on a lot zoned for new construction it gets the bulldozer. No not because a building will go in that place. What goes in the place where the big old oak once stood is a bunch of small non-native ornamental landscaping trees and bushes. Why not just leave the big cool tree there?

It got so bad at one point they where dying the ponds blue. No I am not kidding. Our numerous natural ponds are naturally brown and that just didn’t fit the whole Hollywood set theme. White swans would emerge from the water dyed half white and half blue like an easter egg. It was ridiculous.

Pinehurst NC is a town just about an hour from Cary NC. Pinehurst is a famous Golf course here started with Donald Ross the course architect using sand, clay greens,” whisker" and mounds of native wire grass. The course was adored internationally by golf lovers. So Pinehurst decided to compete with all the other famous golf course and dug up all the wild grass and replaced it with Bermuda so Pinehurst could be like all the other famous golf courses.

And no one played golf at Pinehurst anymore.

They finally realized their mistake and went back and replanted all the old wiregrass. But it took many years and million of advertising dollars for Pinehurst to regain its place among world renowned golf courses and it never recaptured it original fervor.

Cary NC with its City Council stuffed with land developers and housing contractors will have to learn the same brutal lesson. This same wealthy group is also well connected to very famous artists and architects. We are at a tipping point and if we try we can have a city that people will come to from all over the world to marvel at. This very well connected group has already spent millions of dollars promoting Cary as the number one place in America to live. I would urge to “shift their focus” before someone calls “BS” on them.

I grew up in Cary NC 30 years ago. I lived in those nostalgic pictures hanging on the wall of doctor offices and I have to tell you Cary did suck then. It may have been naturally beautiful but it was isolated, bigoted and ignorant. It may have been “artistically noteworthy” but it was an awful place to be. The direction of growth we have been going in since IBM moved here in the 70s is better. But we are becoming a city of mediocrity when we have a chance, if we just change our over growth focus, to actually become the number one place in America to live as well as an artistically noteworthy place – for real. Not just paid for hype in a magazine.

I stand corrected

A friend of mine read my post on the censorship of the Olympic opening games. And yes accused me of "ranting". Not me. She noted to me the "free press" does not mean "does not cost money". You pay for you newspaper each day whether you read it online or get a paper version. The articles in the paper or video in the online version are not fair game for anyone to use. The Olympic Games Opening is NBCs footage and property and it is their right to withhold it if they so choose. And evidently - they so choose. I now so choose to strong dislike them bordering on wrath because of their choice. Really I think they loose their argument of ownership because they allowed any site and any blog to pick a free live streaming video link to see the opening of the games with slight delay. In my estimation they made it "public domain" at that point. But I guess NBC sees it differently. I just really chaps my hide that people in Moscow and Canada can Google "Olympic Opening Games Video" and see the entire 4 1/2 hour thing in high def. But in the US it is restricted.

I should be fine with You tube yanking the video - but I'm not. You Tube can yank any video they would like. They yanked the death video of the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. Good job on their part.

This also reminds me of years ago, when my brother was a missionary in the communist Soviet Union and was in Red Square during the coup d’état. US TV just kept showing the same stock footage of the same dumb tank driving in a block from different angles. I had a brother over there in the middle of it and I wanted to know what was really happening. I had to get friends from all over the world to email me what their news was showing because it was far more informative than the US news. If it had not been for the BBC I would have gone nuts. I really should already be comfortable with knowing that US News is lame.

My friends who have loved ones station in Iraq check Al Jazeera English everyday because they say it is more accurate. How sad.

I call on everyone if you see News happening. I mean Noteworthy events happening around you.
Blog!

Sex and Silly Puddy

What’s the most fun you have had with your clothes on? What is the most fun you have had with your clothes off? For me I am not quite sure. I should know this shouldn’t I. It’s hard to pick. I hate to admit it but at my age well it just all runs together. Oh the Shame.

But as for the latter question. Don’t we have enough of this kind of conversation on the web anyway? Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a G-rated internet? I am no prude but the internet has exhausted even my sexual reservoir. It seems that sexual content is served up to me at lightening speed on even the most innocent of searches. I have accidentally seen clips of more people doing it than a good therapist can help me process. My latest quest for “video of the beijing opening olympics” produced some videos of some strange and different types of Olympics but they where not the ones I was looking for. Some people blame Google for turning their “do no harm” philosophy into a “do no harm to our wallet” philosophy. But can you imagine the size of the governing body it would take to sensor and rate a G-rated internet. Look at what it takes with movies. Wow now that is job creation right there.

I had the privilege of working with the Sinclair institute on a data integrity project. For those of you who are like me and had never heard of them. They are better known as bettersex.com they are the sister company to Adam and Eve. The produce a Sex Ed video the Art of Erotic Massage. Very tastefully done. Average looking people doing what we all do in private but on camera so they can teach others about the art of sexual touch. They have an entire range of videos that range from average to the unusual. They don’t sizzle like porn. They aren’t playful, they are serious. They don’t demean anyone in the film and there is no swearing or spitting. No Silly-Puddy breast. (Sorry about that Silly-Puddy)

And they don’t sell.

So to make money Bettersex.com has morphed into a strangely bipolar company. On one hand they are promoting the best selling porn videos on the market. On the other hand they are promoting clinically produced adult sex ed videos. In the end everyone is uncomfortable and sales are flat.

The study showed something interesting about us in America. We don’t like our sexual intimacy to be introduced to our hedonist. We truly are a nation founded by Puritans. We would prefer that the most fun you have had with your clothes on never meet up with the most fun you have had with your clothes off.

NBC censores Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony

I am totally shocked. The last bastions of being an American - gone. NBC The un-free press. The reason you and I can't find any old video of the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremony is because NBC has actively made other websites remove the recorded footage for copy right reasons. Including You Tube. If you live in any other part of the world - including communist China where the press is evidently freer than ours - you can see the video. But not in the US - its been censored. Mary Mother of Jesus I declare I never thought I'd see the day. Well NBC if you are going to try and sell me the video you can forget it. I am disgusted with you. I can see the Olympics on ESPN. If that doesn't work, well honestly, I've gone 4 years without the Olympics and I am sure I can make it another 4. Quite frankly I am so offended that I don't believe I'll be watching NBC broadcasts of any kind, any more.

Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremonies - HELP!!

Somebody help me all I want to see the a video stream of the entire opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. It was free when it actually happened why cant I see it now?? I'm mean it is totally old news at this point what is point of withholding the video? Heck I'll pay to see the whole thing but NBC doesn't have it and neither does espn. I don't want snippets or promotional video or the rehearsal. I want the real whole thing. I guess Mick Jagger was right - you can't always get what you want. What gives?

America’s - New one child policy for 2009

We berate China for their one child policy. China insists that each family only have one child. If a family chooses to have 2 children the government penalizes them with hard labor jobs and crushing taxes. As well the first child and second child are given limited opportunities in life. The whole family is punished.

Our government doesn’t do this but wait they don’t have to. We do it to ourselves socially just fine. I am going broke with just 2 children. I do volunteer work with the poor and I know what broke is and yes I am going broke. I work 30 hours a week so they can have an 8 hour day instead of a 10 hour day. Now I am not doing hard labor but I can certainly forget about advancement. I can forget about my professional opinion mattering among my co-workers because as they put it “I am only part-time”.

Now I am not penalized with killer taxes in fact I get a little money back form the government for having children. But that money is just a drop in the bucket compared to what the medical community is going to take from me this year to care for my kids.

Now with my dollar buying less and government not giving a crap that this is happening it does amount to a social tax. At $14.99 a 12.9 oz can of Similac Advanced Infant Formula makes 96 Fluid Ounces. That is 16 bottles given every 4 to 6 hours. That will last about 2 to 3 days. So is that really around 149.00 or more a month? Just for the milk. Experts say breastfeeding if Mom is working costs about the same. We haven’t even started to talk about diapers or doctors appointments.

Now about the opportunities for both children. We consider the equity in our house our children’s education. One child in college is manageable – two is a hardship. Even if our parents have to die from a lack of care in hospice we are not going to use the equity in our house for anything but our children’s education. Unfortunately that means we will also die in hospice from a lack of health care but it is the only way to give 2 children real opportunity – a leg up if you will.

Now we don’t force anyone into an abortion directly in America they way the Chinese do. But we might as well. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), there were 854,122 legal induced abortions in the US in 2003. Now it is around 700,000 a year. I don’t cast judgment on anyone for getting an abortion because I was sexually active just about my entire life and I just got lucky that I didn’t get pregnant until I was 29 and ready for a baby. Now my tubes are tied. I did that so my 2 children would not face the real possibility of growing up in poverty.

The practice of abortion makes me feel sick inside. Personally I just could never muster up the whatever it must take to do that. Or could I? If my tubes where not tied and I was pregnant and my family was facing poverty. I wonder how squeamish I would be then. I would probably just prefer to face poverty than to live with having had an abortion. I have several great friends who have had them and none of them talk in glowing terms about it. In fact from their account living with it is nothing you would wish even on your worst enemy.

So if we make abortion illegal and we force women to have their children just like the Chinese force women not to have their children. How are we going to pull this off really? What are we going to do with those 700,000 children born every year? Year, after year, after year, after year. Nearly a million unwanted children being born a year. 10 million in 10 years. Our Medicaid system already sucks and our education system is supported by the lottery. Now pile on an extra 1 million unwanted kids each year. I want women to have their babies too. It’s a beautiful thing – I really do want it for them and their baby but honestly what is the plan for making this happen?

Even with the most conservative Supreme Court in history we have not overturned Roe vs Wade. I suspect America never will. But we certainly are making having more than one child an extremely socially punishing experience. We certainly are driving women like cattle into the abortion clinics with an insane cost of living. I think this is the real evidence that as Americans deep down inside - despite what we say - we want Roe vs. Wade to stay just like it is because we don’t have a better solution.

As Christians we march around protesting abortion as a crime against Gods sacred act of creation. But really if we are truly serious about the issue we would leave abortion alone. We would take the teeth out of it and give it the same power as any other medical procedure. We would leave Roe vs. Wade to rot in the law books and busy ourselves with the true task at hand. Making room for 1 million new babies a year. Is God all powerful or not? Did he turn tidbits of fish and few crumbs of bread into a feast or not? Get off the court house steps and put down the stupid right to life sign. No one in America is really Pro Death anyway accept Satan. Just get busy praying and figuring out how to feed, clothe, educate and care for 1 million parentless children a year. You do this and abortion will fade into history.

Getting marginalized:

Real marginalization is having all your personal power taken away. In America first and foremost that is loosing your ability to make money. Second is loosing the money you have and third is loosing your power to influence the financial choices of others.

So if you are a public service figure that is an emerging threat as a Presidential Candidate. Let’s say they are a democrat. The republicans will take early step to marginalize the emerging democratic candidate. Disrupting the candidate ability to raise money through fund raising investigations, bleeding the campaign dry before it can gain momentum by forcing the candidate to defend his current office against red herring candidate that pop up like a game of wack-a-mole. Lastly they smear the reputation of the emerging democratic candidate so that no one wants to be associated with him and thus the candidate looses his ability to influence. Both parties do this.

I just got marginalized today. I pushed a project through to completion at work only to have the services group that I work with marginalize me. The key person in the services group emailed several of the key stake holders and scared them about the impact the project would have on their product line. She is good at scaring people. So even though the project was supported by countless hours of research I walked in this morning to a project that had all its teeth removed. It was smear campaign against the project. So now I have to go back to the original stakeholders and convince them of the value of the project. Darn I being bled dry in terms of time. You would think and services group would do services. But not so where I work. Their main goal is awareness marketing even though they are not hired to do any marketing. Its weird.

Personally I get marginalized all the time. No - not like homeless person with no job and no prospect of one and certainly no influence over anyone. No I get marginalized just like we all do. I can't make my money do anything that really matters. Like spend it on health care. It doesn’t matter how great a plan you have the cost of the services is so unaffordable that my money is useless. I’d love to just have catastrophic health insurance and just pay out of pocket but the truth is I can’t even afford the 20% if something catastrophic should occur. My doctor gets paid $125.00 for a 15 minute visit where his nurse weighs me and takes my blood pressure. He talks to me and sends a prescription to the pharmacy electronically. The value of that service is not $125.00. My nutritionist who is not covered by my health insurance does the same thing. Except she spends 30 minutes with me and she does not write a prescription she writes down a food plan and that is whole lot more writing. She makes only 20.00 for that visit. Here is the really sad part. My doctor is in medicine because he loves it. But despite his passion and 125.00 for 15 minute visits he is not making any money. He is now offering skin care services to add supplemental revenue to his practice. My OBGYN just joined Doctors with Out Borders. He is going oversees to take care of women. He says he wants his work to matter and he is tired of being marginalized to small group of services that has a limited impact on the true health of women. I feel his pain.

I’d like my effect on my child’s education to stop being marginalized. Despite the high federal and local taxes I pay I can’t seem to get the school system to teach in a way that is sensible. I mean just plain common sense teaching. It’s all about standardized testing. No child left behind. In North Carolina we should rename it to 'No Teacher Allowed to Teach'. Here is the real tough issue. For me to teach my children the true skills they need to achieve in reading, writing and math. I have to do this when I get home from work. Now it is fun sometimes but I can think of 100 ways I would rather spend time with my kids and alone. As parent we don’t realize that we are having all our time and money marginalized in this scenario. We pay for services that are no good and spend our family time trying to make up for the lousy service. Next time the doctor says you have heart disease and you need to spend time at the gym remind him that you are spending all your money on the appointment and all the time you would spend in the gym is spent making up for the crappy education our government provides.

This is just 2 examples. How many ways are you marginalized?

Senator Jesse Helms

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

Remember that song from the Wizard of Oz. I had to learn it in 6th grade. You know:

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

I thought so in the 6th grade and I still think so now - it is in poor taste to sing in happiness over the death of another even if they where a wicked witch.

Jesse Helms the senator of NC died July 4th 2008.

“I've been portrayed as a caveman by some. That's not true.
I'm a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men
are equal, be they slants, beaners or niggers.” - Jesse Helms

Pardon me if I;

Ding Dong! humm humm is humm. Which old humm? humm humm hum!
Ding Dong! The humm hummm is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the humm humm is humm. humm hummm where the humm humm,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and humm and humm the humm humm.
Ding Dong' the humm-oh, humm it humm, huum huumm, humm.
Let them know
The humm humm is humm!

Chinese Security reports from Beijing state that security for President Bush and the other heads of state attending the Olympic Games has never been hirer.

Humm

Can you do your spouses laundry?

When I first got married my husband did all his own laundry. He was afraid of what I would do to his clothes if I did his laundry. I was the same way. Many of my clothing items where delicates and needed special care. Occasionally his mother came over an insisted on doing our laundry. In one weekend she ruined $2500.oo worth of my clothes. That’s just about everything I own. I think it may have been on purpose because she washed and dried my wool business suits. Put them on hangers and put them in my son’s closet. In her defense I can see that they did shrink about the right size for a 5 year old boy. The lining hanging out should have been a tip off that something was off but she is old and a little wobbly in the head - so who knows. She washed and blocked everything with spandex in it. Which needless to say broke all the spandex fibers and made the articles of clothing hang off me like a misshapen bag? I am fool I know but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. Because if you think about it - doing some one else laundry is a very intimate thing. Its like knowing how to make the bed just the way your spouse likes it. It really honors some one else individuality.
I can now do my husbands laundry after 9 years of marriage. He likes everything washed and dried. He refuses to own anything that needs dry cleaning. He hates to wear clothes that are ironed. He will do it for a family wedding but that is about it. He likes it when I pull his clothes out of the dryer when they are hot. I shake them out and pull the wrinkles out by hand. Lastly neatly fold them in a laundry basket or hang up slacks and dressy shirts right away. He never empties that laundry basket to put his clothes away. Rather he lives out of a laundry basket that sits at the end of the bed. His dresser is packed with clothes that he can no longer fit in but can’t bear to give away. To be honest I don’t think the need want clothes that look like they came right out of the 80’s. But they say that look is coming back so who knows.

Recently when I was sick my husband did all the laundry. I lay in bed sick having a secret panic attack because I was sure my clothes would all be ruined. To my surprise, delicate lingerie was hung up wet to air dry. My shirts and dresses where not put in the dryer but hung up and allowed to air dry. Wow. Easy care stuff (which is most of my stuff) was not over dried and pulled out of the dry before they could wrinkle. My husband said it was easy to figure out he just “read the care tag”. Amazing – he read the care tag. I like my things folded a certain way to minimize creasing. I looked an there my clothes where all stacked up folded just like I like them. He had separated the loads into the proper colors so that whites didn’t come out pink or gray. I was amazed.

When I was well my husband said I was not allowed to get sick again. I told him that I liked knowing I could count on him. A real friend doesn’t stick a person with childcare and house work when they are sick. I told him I appreciated that he took on all of it. I said, “This bodes well for the future”. He got a really concerned look on his face and said, “I am so afraid you are going to turn into frail feeble minded old women someday”. I took his hand and said, “I can promise you I will. One day we may have to hold each others hand as one of us recovers from Chemotherapy or a heart attack. It is good to see that you can take care of me because one day I will need it.” My husband just sat quietly facing his fears and holding my hand. He is partially disabled already and the specter of more disability coming into his life is daunting.
My Grandfather played 9 holes of golf the week before he died at 98 years old. This is the way we all want to go. But it is unlikely.

If you could wave a magic wand and erase your marriage, would you?

If you could wave a magic wand and erase your marriage, would you? No - not erase your kids all though when they are punching each other in the back seat of the car it sounds tempting. You could still keep your kids if you wanted. The game is you would – presto get a new spouse or no spouse at all. It would not be considered a divorce. It would be as if your marriage never happened at all. Would you do it?

30,000 feet under the sea

Here is something I haven’t said to you in a long, long, long time…
Is this a quiz, I hate quizzes? It’s not “I love you”, I know I said that today when I left the house.
Humm I guess it has been awhile I don’t recall.
(Laugh here)

My husband and I are just starting to loose the battle against gravity. His once unruly red flaming hair is slowly turning to soft white sea foam. After giving birth to 2 children I can make a list of things that have turned to something or another. Then there is the forgetfulness. Like this month is our 9th wedding anniversary. I get paid of course the day after our anniversary. I wish I could remember the things he likes. What do you give the man that has nothing? The possibilities are so endless it is overwhelming.

A friend of mines husband was just in a terrible car accident. He was on I40 probably traveling at 65+ miles an hour. He swerved not to hit another car who was driving radically. Ran off the road and hit a tree. There was an electrical fire in which his leg and body where badly burned as well his leg was crushed by the impact. Good Samaritans stopped and saved him. Once he arrived at the hospital at UNC burn center the doctors knew they had to remove his leg. Each day his wife makes a list of things she should bring to the hospital that he needs. On the top of the list is “a leg”. It keeps them laughing when there is little to laugh about. Yeah sometimes the things a person really wants and needs just can’t be purchased. I imagine he would trade his leg any day for the love that is in her heart.

As my husband slips to the back porch to secretly glance over craiglist personal ads. I wonder? What is he looking for? He never acts on them. He loves me and is faithful to me, I'm sure of it so what’s he doing? I'm thinking it is like an Admiral of the Navy being shown all the wiz-bang- gadgets of a brand new nuclear submarine. The manufacture points out the escape hatch at the top of the submarine. The Admiral finds it to be one of the finest escape hatches he has ever scene. Even though in his heart he knows it serves no purpose 30,000 feet under the sea.

A Grudging Tithe

In a nutshell I don’t like to tithe because I know that churches are typically poor stewards of the money they are given. I see all sorts of ways my church Vintage21 could be more frugal or be more effective with their spending. People like me are subconsciously but purposefully kept off the finance committees because we rock the boat of graft or self comfort. My internal calculator works just as well as the one I hold in my hand. My church leaders aren’t bad people they don’t intentionally steal. Quite the opposite they are really good people. But they are just people. In fact most non-profits like the Red Cross or The Children’s Fund are the same. Filled with do gooders. Yet, various studies have all come up with the same answer – only about 30% of the money you tithe or donate goes to where it is supposed to go. The rest lines the pockets of entitled ministers and non profit fund administrators. It’s enough to make a person stop giving.

Wait, let me encourage you – don’t stop. If you stop being a giver - even in a 70% take and 30% give world your heart will dry up like a raisin. I keep tithing even in the face of those horrible statistics. So what if only 30% of my dollar goes where it is supposed to go? What if I stop giving and that tiny 30% drys up? What will happen to the needy if we stop giving because we resent the smirk of Greed? Does Greed win?

It’s even worse when you get taken by the needy. I work at a Christian food bank. We also give away clothes and home furnishings. We help lots of people who truly need help. But every month the same woman comes in and gets a bunch of free clothes and home goods. Especially children’s toys. She is a heroin addict. She has no children, no family to support. I have driven home from the food bank and seen her pawning the toys we gave her. She does it for drug money.

No matter that we helped 100 people that day just getting taken by that one woman is enough to make me loath the poor. What happens if I let that in? Do I start fooling myself that I am not poor in some way or another just like the people I help? Am I not like them - better than them now perhaps?

I have a grudge.

But then I look inward at that internal calculator I was bragging about. I am a poor steward of my family’s finances. I try very hard to be frugal but every now and then it all goes down hill. I get entitled to a new sweater or an extra latte. Darn those $4.00 lattes. It was written on my heart the day my children where born that I would uphold my family and address their needs first no matter what. But somehow my selfish needs get a facelift and a new outfit and waltzes in looking like my families needs. Selfish Interests Xtreme MakeOver Addition.

So maybe that is why God really asks me to tithe. Not so I can build the foundation of the church literally because he is all powerful and could do that this second if he wanted to. But it is so that I receive the gift of a giving heart. Not a foolish heart that pretends there is no graft or believes everybody is entitled to a little piece of the action. But heart that can consistently and steadfastly wipe the smirk off the face of Greed no matter what form it comes in. Even if it stares back at me from my bathroom mirror.

Should be seen and not heard

Pica Disease

It is so hard to be the parent of an embarrassing child. Especially when you as the parent know the child can’t help themselves. Enormous pressure is put on children today not to be human in public or have needs. I know everyone is afraid right now because we seem to have raised a bumper crop of kids that are psycho terrorist and due unspeakable things. Everyone is sure if we just control our children’s behavior enough they will magically turn into model citizens. It’s an odd sort of logic. My daughter has PICA she does some bizarre things. Everyone stares in horror. Then they look at me with distain and judgment. I get it the worst from family members. Shame floods over me. A shame attack like no other. I want to turn on my child and berate them but how can I – she can’t help it.

My daughter is not diagnosed with autism like my son but she “falls on the spectrum”. This just means she has some behaviors that are associated with Autism but does not have full blown HFA. One of these is Pica. Eating non-food items. With OT is getting better. So standing in line at Mc Donald’s she reaches down, picks up a squished French fry and ate it to the horror of on lookers. She is quick too. My mother in law quipped, “don’t you teach your children no to eat off the floor.” There is no point in educating her about Pica. The judgment has been rendered.

Yesterday she licked the chrome edge of the conveyor belt in the check out at Food Lion. You know where everyone puts their hands and what they drag their raw chicken across.
She eats our yard like a goat. I try to make her stop. I give her vitamins supplement in the hopes that it will make it stop. Of course that is just a wise-tale and the Pica continues.

The very worst is when there is nothing around for her to eat. She starts to eat herself. Her boogers, her ear wax, nails and all other body excretions including vaginal and rectal. It is totally GROSS!!! It happens right there in front of whoever is watching. I make her stop as soon as I catch it. I try to be non-shaming. I repeated explain what healthy habits are. I tell her in great detail about germs.

Still she has Pica.

What do you want to the very most?

What do you want to the very most?

I’d like a happy marriage, to win the lottery and for my children to live a life untouched by sadness or illness. Sounds pretty run of the mill.

But my minister reminds me Jesus came he came to save the Jews and Gentiles. Specifically he was the fulfillment of a prophecy to the Jews. They where waiting desperately to be saved. They talked about it all the time. They new exactly what they needed to be saved from and what the Messiah would do for them.

1. They had been repeatedly enslaved by advancing nations such as the Egyptians, Greek and Romans. So they where waiting be SAVED from enslavement and given freedom.
2. All their land had been occupied so they where waiting for the Messiah to SAVE them from occupation and give them their stuff back.
3. They had also been dethroned a few times and needed to be SAVED from mediocrity as they where looking for the restoration of their Kingdom and all the authority that goes with it.

Money, Power and Authority would be restored to them when the Messiah arrived. The very last thing on their minds was being saved from their sin. Jesus was a mighty big disappointment.

It was ironically what the Jews needed to be saved from the most. They where riddled with sin. They had corrupted and bent Gods laws. Worse yet the sin of “wrath” had descended up their people like locust. Often misunderstood “wrath” is the act of turning your back on someone and leaving them to their own ways. We say it a few ways such as “you made your own bed now lie in it.” or “tough love” which is often more tough than loving or “after all I have done for you”.

I’m riddled with the same sin. I catch myself thinking that if I am a faithful enough Christian the monetary blessing of God will pour out on me. I will be given a position of authority at work. People will listen to me and do what I say. My husband will love me and we will never fight. My children will be well manner in public.

Even if that ridiculous fantasy played it self out, I would still be broken and full of sin.

Worse yet I turn my back on friends and family who aren’t playing my game”. Wrath.
I am tough and unyielding with people who care for me because they aren’t producing the expected blessings I had bargained for when I allowed them into my life.

My prayers they sound devout. Honestly they a quiet holy sounding I can thee, thy and eth with the best of them. But when I break them down it’s a silly scene. You would laugh at me with my hands raised to Heaven and calling out, “I want stuff, lots of stuff. Really, really good stuff! I want my Husband, Children and Friends to become my stuff. I want to own and enjoy all the stuff I can possibly have for happy healthy days upon end.

One after another, upon penalty of death, the disciples where killed because they refused to say Jesus was not the Messiah. Why did not even one renounce him to save his own skin?

Many of the Saints and Apostles died in sickness, imprisoned and broke.

Not exactly the miraculous extra 20 spot I hope to be blessed with when I’m feeling broke.

Throwing Stones

If you read my last post you are thinking many people without Autism do some of the thing in your list. The difference: It’s just deep down inside they understood they where doing something wrong.

I was oblivious. The wrath of the world broadsided me and I never saw it coming.

The very pinnacle of this social oblivion was rendered in great detail when I went to Campbell University. I was 18 when I went to college. I was also engaged to be married. I got engaged because I had discovered through careful observation of the social rule of girls - that other girls where nice to you if you pretended you loved the guy you where sleeping with. They where mean to you if you didn’t care one way or another about the person you slept with. They called those people “sluts”. Turns out that is a bad thing to be. So it is important to learn to fake fidelity.

What else said “love” more than accepting a marriage proposal? I had an engagement ring on finger so it was a clear outward statement that I loved the guy I was sleeping with. This is very bad thing to fake. Very bad Ju-Ju. It does not have a happy ending.

I ended up hooking up with another guy at college while I was engaged. It was a train wreck. My new hookup guy and I snuck into the men’s dorms and well… “We where making a lot of noise”. The school has a rule against fornication that suffers the penalty of expulsion. Of course we got caught. The dorm leader unlocked the door and stormed into the room and – wow, there we where! Surprise. I was a naked as Eve in the Garden of Eden. And just as mortified.

I hated to get caught because I knew my incredibly and cruelly socially conservative Dad would find out. And he would shame me for years and years. Worse yet my betrothed found out.

I pretended to cry when he dumped me because that what “good girls” do. They cry when a guy dumps them. As soon as he was out of sight I skipped away totally relieved that I was no longer getting married. The saddest part is he truly loved me and wanted to marry me. I was a fake and a liar. So I probably deserved what was coming my way.

Campbell University dangled an irresistible morsel in front of my eyes. If I went before a tenured tribunal for a “Morality Hearing” I might have my expulsion pardoned. My parents would never have to know. Yes!
I told my mom a few days later and asked her to come to the hearing to stand up for me. I begged her not to tell my dad. I was told it would look good if she showed up on my behalf. I was told to get letters of good behavior from my professors to bring to the Morality Hearing– that would help too. I sat in a room at a long conference table in front of 10 or so very old men and women.

Evidently they had never read John Chapter 8.

For more than an hour they asked me to recount in lurid detail for their prurient interest the acts of the night I was caught. They asked me repeatedly about the most embarrassing details. They asked me in several different ways if I was truly sorry for my sins. I was growing sorrier by the minute. They asked me if I understood the shame I had brought on myself and my family and the school. Then they asked me the clincher – Was I a virgin when this happened or had I done this before? I didn’t have the sense to lie after all I was trying to be “truly repentant”. Well that sealed my fate. They kicked me out of Campbell University.

I stood outside the tribunal headquarters and my mom asked if I was ok. I said “No I regret everything, everything I have ever done. All of it”. I wasn’t just speaking about sexual misjudgments but I was apologizing for ever having lived. I stayed dutifully faithful to my hook up guy for 6 years just to prove I wasn’t the whore Campbell University had made me to be. I hadn’t sewn a scarlet letter to my chest I had become it. My mother was furious and silent. She never told my dad and it was some years later that I understood that her anger that day was not directed at me but at Campbell University.

Campbell University never had any intentions of pardoning me and my mom had figured that out too late to save me from the abuse. This was a “Stone Throwing” party and the Campbell University professors and administrators where relishing the smell of fresh blood. They where raking me over the coals of sexual shame and enjoying the smell of the roast. Nothing like the smell of a human heart cooking. They like theirs just like a marshmallow: soft and gooey on the inside, black and crispy on the outside. They had asked me to get my parents to show up and professors to write letters to further trick me into shaming myself in front of a wider audience.

My mother who is a devote Christian and Stevens Ministers refers them as disgusting people and when she really gets going she compares them to the Pharisees. She doesn’t swear so that is as bad as it gets. You would have to know my mother. She never gossips and never says anything bad about anyone – ever.

In John Chapter 8 Jesus looks at the adulterous women who by the way did not once try to lie and say she was innocent. Nor did she name the guy she was caught with to try to redirect Jesus’s attention to some one else. Jesus says – “has no one condemned you”?
She responds, “No Lord”. Jesus says, “Than neither do I”.

He says, “Than neither do I”. He says, “Than neither do I”? WHAT.

He says, “Than neither do I”?????? The law of stoning for the act of adultery was the Jewish Law or the Law of God. Jesus was this law. He couldn’t just brush it aside casually and say some of me is relevant and some of me isn't. There was nothing casual about his dismissal of her sins – he knew he would die for them.

Trust me you will at some point or maybe you already have been caught in some indiscretion sexual or other wise. You may loose your job or go to jail if you broke the law. You may have to stand in front of a judge. You may get tricked into going to a “Stoning Party” or dragged to it like the adulterous woman from John Chapter 8. Probably the people you owe an apology to are not at the “Stoning Party”. If you’re a public figure you may owe lots of people apologies and you may want to ask for their forgiveness. Good.

But all of that is secondary; you can turn your resources toward an exhausting effort to cover up that big scarlet letter like I did. But Jesus died so you could hear Him say, “Than neither do I”.

Take the trade. Trust me

Social Skills Camp

My Autistic son is at social skills camp this week. I have autism too and I am a little envious of his opportunity but grateful. I went to the social skills camp of hard knocks. One of the hardest things about being autistic is being clueless about social nuisances.

Going into work, if I approach a door and someone is behind me I will open the door and hold it for the person behind me. I will smile, I may even say, “good morning”.
But I learned this through active continuous teaching. You probably got from you mother telling you a few times and then just from watching others. You probably pick up on things.

My son will open the door and let it hit the person behind him in the face. And although he feels very bad that they are in pain. He will not stop and say, “Are you alright?” or “I’m Sorry”. He doesn’t even realize he should be sorry. No doubt the person is thinking. “What an a**hole.

There is no, "Camp -"How not to be an A**hole" or Camp "Pay attention or you are going to run off the road".

If confronted about his behavior he becomes instantly confrontational and violent. Because the person speaking to him is confrontational and violent. You can hear him screaming, “Leave me alone” as he pummels his accuser in a grip lock grab. It’s a horrible scene. He is just totally confused and terrified about why they are mad at him to being with. He has learned to be afraid of the anger of others. Like most autistic’s he is a perfect mimic and meets another person’s anger in equal measure.

Now that I have taught my son to hold the door and say good morning he does it and he actually understands “why” he should do it. He still says "Good Morning" even when it is night time but it is a Big Win!

Yesterday I picked him up from camp he said, “Can I go home and play my Nintendo DS?”

I replied, “We have to go the bank before we go home. Once we go home: we are only going to stay for 5 minutes. Just long enough to take your medicine. Then we are going to go pick up your sister.

He replied. “Can I go home and play my Nintendo DS?”

I replied “Roan what did I just say?”

He exploded with angry words “I MEANT AFTER we pick up my sister! AFTER! When we go home THE SECOND TIME!!”

I reply, “There is no need to yell. I did not understand that you meant – “the second time we go home”. Think about it for a minute there was no way for me to know what you meant. Use your words. You have lots of good words. Just talk to people and they will understand. If they don’t be patient and try to find another way to say it.”

He stares at his watch struggling to literally think about it for one minute. But he bursts out in tears, “What if I can’t find the words? What if I don’t know the words? What if I say it over and over and over again and still no one understands me? What if I don’t know what to say? What if I can’t find the words?” He is crying now in sheer panic. He has grabbed the third rail and grasped firmly the darkest nightmare of Autism.

The nightmare: It is in my heart but I can’t get it out. No one will ever hear me. I will never get my needs met. I will be isolated and alone in my desperation.

I pull the car over and hug him.

Now as young girl/woman with Autism I got in all sorts of social trouble. It is a socially awkward time to begin with. Here is the not so short list of funny and not so funny things that I would do:

1. I offered to pray for my minister regularly because he was always offering to pray for me.
2. I corrected my teachers English and told them to stop talking in class.
3. The concept of sin was a list of do’s and don’ts that where discarded when they became irrelevant.
4. I told my parents they where stupid and exactly why they where stupid - in detail.
5. I didn’t understand the purpose of dating
6. I smoked in the school bathroom because the teachers smoked in theirs
7. I openly disagreed with opinions of men born prior to 1980.
8. I slept with who I wanted to. I never grasped the concept of a “loose woman”. It would take until I was in my late 20s to understand the tenderness and beautiful aspects of fidelity.
9. I told people exactly what I thought of their outfit, their teaching style and their mother or whatever.
10. I refused to do anything I could not see the point in
11. I had no concept of community or playing on a team, like basketball or soccer. It was all about me.
12. I interrupted you when you spoke – all the time
13. I cut people off in traffic if they where in my way
14. I did not smile at people in passing
15. I didn’t talk to people unless I needed something from them.
16. I wore strange clothing because it fit into some unique pattern of dressing. My son insists on wearing his t-shirt backwards AND inside out because they feels better that way. Plus he likes to see the tag. Drives me nuts.
17. I obsessed on learning new words and using them regardless of whether they actually fit into the sentence. Currently my son is stuck on “shish kabobs”
18. My sense of math was entirely conceptual not practical. I couldn’t make change for a dollar.
19. I would torture you with 1000 of meaningless statistics that supported how you are feeling
20. I was confrontational with opinions or ideas I deemed stupid. But the logic I based it on was sort of piecemeal. Kind of like a bad conspiracy theory. Worse yet I insisted that I was right.
21. If I was on the cross walk I did not look both ways before crossing because the law states “pedestrians have the right of way” (famous last words)
22. I became openly and verbally outraged at bad manners like smacking food or popping gum because it was not following the rules.

23. I made people read long lists.

Running Away?

When I was a teenager I left home for a personal vacation. My parents told the police I had run away. Technically that is what you would call it when a 16 year old leaves home unannounced. (My poor parents, Sorry Mom and Dad) But internally it was not what I was doing I had every intention of returning home after I had my “vacation”. I wanted to go to the mountains. I wanted to be by myself on my trip. Bless my parent hearts but they where the most suffocating people to be around. Even to this day when my friends who love my parents visit their home they report an intangible sense of being trapped or wanting to run for the door.

As I was out in the big wide world on the Appalachian Trail on my 16 year old vacation I noted how great it felt to be outside sleeping on the ground in my sleeping bag. As a young woman my life was about moving from one well lit, carefully observed, well populated, locked area to another. Why because as a woman you had to be “afraid”. Afraid of the abductors and the rapists. Always traveling in groups for safety because: “We should be afraid!” I would go from my locked house to my locked car and get out and go into the locked school. I’d leave and get back into my locked car to work at a part time job where I was carefully observed.

So I needed a vacation from being afraid of being a woman. Most of all I wanted to be alone. Family vacations where a special kind of hell. See I have High Functioning Autism. I have all sorts of Rain Man like quirks and sensory disorders. Each year, our family of 7 would squeeze into a station wagon and drive across country. Stopping every 4 to 6 hours. We would drive for airless days like this. My parents would switch off; one would sleep while the other would drive. It was like they where running from the law or trafficking drugs across interstate lines. They called this aggressive driving style "making time". Which is really oxymoron when you stick it in a sentence like - "tonight I am making time to read a good book". I was a wreck by the time we got where ever we where going. My senses where totally overloaded by the confinement. Claustrophobia had kicked in so bad I couldn’t ride in the elevators when we got to the hotel. I never wanted to be around another person again. It was like being trapped in an MRI for weeks on end.

At 16, the Appalachian Trail (where people are regularly murdered) offered silence. Air to breath and unstructured time. It was only 5 hours from my home. I stopped at antique stores on the way at my leisure. I had been planning my escape for weeks and had saved my money and read several “what to see” books. I did what I wanted when I wanted. No one tried to rape or abduct me in fact the world was filled with kind and talkative people. You have to be 25 in NC to get a hotel room so I slept on the Trail and took showers for a $1 at random camp grounds.

I took a similar "vacation" to Mardi Gras when I was 17. No risk there.

Later in my life as a college student I would be attacked by a drunk bum in a dark parking lot. I was also slightly drunk so it took some effort but I fought off my attacker. It turns out he was only looking for money. Which I didn’t have. If you are trying to rob someone for money - don’t do it in a college town. College students are notoriously broke, especially when they leave the bar. I ran away and got a friend to walk me back to my car. The man was gone. But even at that moment I told my friend that it wasn’t that bad getting in a fight. It really wasn’t a big deal. I was unaware that my attacker had a knife so I had a few superficial knife marks/ jabs on my back that I couldn’t recall receiving. I should have gotten stitches and filed a police report but I didn’t. I just figured the wounds would heal. I hadn’t been raped or robbed. My under developed since of moral responsibility kept me from reporting the event to the police.

Disclaimer: Now I recognize that women are brutalized all the time. It is horrible and it is not their fault. Little girls are especially vulnerable. As the mother with a daughter I intend to teach my daughter safer habits than the ones I had. But I also intend to teacher her that she is a force to be reckoned with if she uses all her natural resources.

To this day I feel like running back to the Appalachian Trail when I am having a crisis and feeling trapped in my work. If I feel unsatisfied and express a desire to change my occupation a particular question pops out of someone’s mouth that can send me packing back to the Appalachian Trail.” When you where little what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Same thing I want to be now - a working artist. It slaps me in the face because I am a statistical engineer for the internet not a working artist. But at this point in my life I know how to effectively return a slap to the face. But I stand there dumb struck and terrified. If I dig a little deeper I say I wanted to illustrate and write children’s books. I think I wanted to write as much as I wanted to illustrate. But wait even deeper still, I wanted to make a difference with my books. Suddenly I am afraid of the world. I am a women in a locked something or the other. Peering out from behind the glass, fearful of the failure and the critics.

The conundrum is I write and illustrate books all the time. My books are “one of a kind” books that are for my children and not meant for reproduction. I will tell you a secret that is so sacred I whisper it because I am afraid I will hear myself say it. I want to publish my books. I am terrified of the process. Making copies of the manuscripts, writing a summary and sending it off to be rejected by one publisher after another. Being reviewed! I feel tired and scared just thinking about it.

Last summer I went on a loner kayak trip to observer sand sharks in the Topsail Island inlet. It was amazing. A place known for it shark activity due to the intense and changing currents that chum the water. (I was safe I had a cell phone) Right. It seems to me I go to extraordinary lengths to fake being brave. I’m hiding from sticking my toe in truly rough water of tying to get published.

A friend of mine told me to put my books online and skip the hassle. No that doesn’t feel quite right. Part of a book is feeling it in your hands. So - I am going to do it. You and I, we are in this together. I don’t care how long it takes or how scary it is we are going to do it. Starting today.

When I am finally published we will take a vacation together to look for Grizzly Bears.

Anthropomorphize- To ascribe human characteristics to.

Have you ever really disliked someone or become really angry with someone. I do I have a red hot flashing snorting anger that I have worked my entire life to wrestle into sumbmission. My Great Granfather on my Dads side shot a man 5 times in the back for making a little joke about him. So I come by my pulsating anger honestly but frankly I really don't care how I came by it. It just doesn't align to the core of who I am. Joining martial arts was part turning my self into more of a pacifist. Seem paradoxical I know. But it works. Now sometime when I am really angry at some one I will Anthropomorphize them. Turn them into and animal. Sounds horrible doesn't it. I strip them of their humanity and make them into a....hummm...dog. Lets say a dog. This one I use on my husband when he has really got my dander up. But I can't stop at gray, hound dog. No No No that is too simple. He has to be a lazy old, toothless hound dog that bares his teeeth and growls at little children and sleeps under the porch all day. See all the human characteristics that I gave him. Lazy,old, toothless, mean to children and sleeps all day. Suddenly I have tricked my self. I have humanized my husband instead of dehumanized him. I've started to see that he is angry and tired. Poof, he turns back into my husband again. Now I am sensitive with him in a real way with an appreciation for where he is in this moment. I can now ask him about his anger. Give him the space he needs to get rested. Tell him what I expect from him. All that good stuff.

The AIDS/HIV Bullet and Gay Pride Parade

In 1984 I visited San Francisco. I was 15 and at the pinnacle of my sexual promiscuity. Which by today's standards is not that promiscuous but back then I was cutting edgy. The 1970's was over and free love was way in. I was in an art gallery near the core of Ashbey street downtown and I heard a parade complete with marching band. I ran to the street dragging my 5 year old sister behind me as the marching band passed. As the brass swank trotted down the street it was replaced by the low rumble of Harley Davidson heart beats. It was the Hell Angels Harley Davidson Dike Road Bike Team. All topless of course. I'd never seen anything like it. I was from a little southern town in NC. I stood awe struck just for a moment when I realized my 5 year old sister was watching this too. I quickly whisked here down the street to a near by Museum. I don't remember what we saw there. As I stood and listened to people talk. I learned this was the "Gay Pride" parade. I also learned that Gay meant same sex people who where involved romantically. Novel concept - I had never heard of. The whole thing fascinated me. Not being Gay it was amazing to me that any girl would want to kiss a girl when there where plenty of hot boys out there. Pretty soon my sister need to use the rest room. I soon found all the public restrooms were closed and I had to run back to the hotel with a 5 year old doing the pee-pee dance. All the restrooms had a sign on them 'closed due to AIDS'.

It was 1984 and AIDS was just starting to rip apart San Fransisco. No one understood why. Everyone was scared. No one was sure what AIDS was or exactly how it was transmitted so they took the standard precautions people take during flu epidemics and closed the public restrooms.

For the first time in my life that summer I heard about a deadly sexually transmitted disease. It changed my sexual habits instantly like I had been struck by lightning. I got tested. It was negative. I got condoms and I got active in the AIDS Prevention Movement.

My know-it-all father dictated that AIDS was a "self limiting" disease and the problem was only for Gays and Drug users and these people where self destructive anyway and nature was only taking its course. AIDS was not something that we as 'normal' people need worry about. The infected would die out leaving us a better nation. (Throw Up here)

With the way I was messing around I really should have been hit by the AIDS bullet. I sort of watched it skim past my eyes in slow motion. Now HIV infections are on the rise in the South.

Especially among black women. In the south we have the best black women in the country. I'd wager anyone on that. But we have been "black man incarceration happy" here because this is also the prejudice south. All the black men got out of prison with AIDS because well prison life is prison life. They went back to their small home towns and spread it like thick butter over a hot biscuits to every black women in town. It is pretty hard for a black women in the south to find a black male partner who is "viable". By viable I mean employable as in without a prison record. Who wants to hirer a black man with a prison record. It conjures up images of 2 Pak Shakur. Not exactly Barack Obama. For some reason people in the south haven't out grown that stick to your own race thing. So black women around here sort of jealously share a man. Like an unhappy harem. Once one person in that tight knit group gets sick with HIV. Everyone does. Black women around here are really smart, natural, down to earth people and needless to say condoms are not very natural or earthy and don't get used among that crowd.

However one totally unnatural thing my black girl friends around here are really into is blue tooth technology more so than whites chicks. Might be time to had out condoms when you buy your blue tooth. No something really major needs to be done. I'm terrified education won't get it because we've got some really smart, educated HIV positive people around here.

The worst part of all this is the orphans. HIV orphans being raised by Grandmas are on the rise around here. It is so sad to see these kids at my sons school. You just want to go hug them and say, "Your mom loved you she never wanted this." Then I want to get mad! Really mad at the NC Prison system. Isn't it the states responsibility to keep people in prison safe at the very least? Keep them from hanging themselves in their cell? Literally or figuratively? Aren't they looking out for their basic health care? I suspect not. I bet the guards hate the people they guard and relish turning their heads and letting prisoners kill each other with HIV. I bet they mutter under their breath that it is all crime control. I bet that's why they won't implement HIV testing in prisons.

I went back to Ashbery street just a few years ago. It was sad place the community that had once made this area thrive was - dead. The Bright color painted houses where all the same color of white and up for auction.

Doubting Thomas

Thomas gets a bad wrap in the bible for doubting the disciples when they say they have seen the risen Load. But remember Thomas is the only disciple that gets to touch the risen Lord. Blind faith is just that - blind. Go ahead and get your doubts out there just like Thomas. Get in that short line of people who have actually touch Jesus. Jesus is waiting for you to put your hands in his wounds so you can say exactly what Thomas did - My Lord, My God.

I'm winning

The drug I am taking to help stimulate my appetite is working. I am winning.
I am 122 pounds and growing. I happily lay down the title of the skinniest chick you know. I just tradded my size 2's and 4's for size 6's and 8's. I can breathe again. Goal is 130. At 5'7 I think that is appropriate. Much better than 112. Feels sooooo good. Wish me luck.

Self loathing

1. Think back to a time, a specific moment in time when you where completely happy and at peace with yourself.
2. Think back to a place that was totally inspiring and took your breath away
3. Think back to an activity that seem completely natural and enjoyable as if time had stopped.

Give me a break!

When I think back on my life I mostly cringe. Truth is I just wish I was a better person. My motto is you don't have to be smart, good looking, rich, famousor funny to matter. I am no of those things and I insist on mattering even when I am standing in the check out line at Food Lion. Deep down inside when I let the worst parts of me run the show. Well I want to be all of those things at one time. I want to be better than you and for the most part better than everyone.

Truth is when I think back to a specific moment in time when I was completely happy and at peace with myself. There really just isnt one. I was always crushed against ths struggle of learning something new. Finding someone new. Doing something new.
There was always an obession or a compulsion that kept wringing my like a rag. I love my life now. But these are not peaceful times. I have 2 children - one has autism. My husband is partially diable. My patience and resourse are for the most part stretch very thin. I am happy but peaceful - no.

Think back to a place that was totally inspiring and took my breath away? The closest I can get would be Topsail Island. A lovely place of self discovery in my pre teen years. Warm sun and salty water. Tidal pools that held a wealth of beauty and discovery. Infinite amount of unstructured time and freedom. Do I love Topsail Island more than anyplace in the world yes - Did it ever take my breath away. Umm not really. Possibly enduring a Category 3 huricane or two but I dont think that's the right kind take your breath away.

If I stop and think back to an activity that seem completely natural and enjoyable as if time had stopped. Clostest that would be creating art. Painting specifically. But this is similar to enjoying holding your breath at the bottom of a 30 ft diving pool and stuggling to the top to get air. It not all relax. Its a convergence of primal forces. ut time does stop. To the point of forgetting to eat, sleep, work or care for my kids. Wow it is like touching God. But you got to be careful with that kind thing.

I wonder if that "worst part of me" that is stiving and competitive runs the show far to often. I kicking this part of me to the bridge. I'd like to be able to answer those important 3 question we where talking about in the beginning a little bit more differently.

Honor thy parents

Honor thy parents

When my brother decided to go into the ministry my father stopped talking to him. My father said he was throwing away his life pedaling voodoo. My father is a geneticist and at the time my brother was also a scientist in botany and genetics. I asked my brother how do you as a Christian get around that whole honor thy parents bit? He said, "You can honor your parents and not agree with them. You can disobey your parents and still bring them honor." It was obvious he was right, a disagreement or disobedience of a child does not in any way equate to dishonor. I know this to be true raising my own children. But I was unknowingly totally bought into the desention equals dishonor bit. It is those evil "Conservative Christian Right Wingers" at work again marketing the bible as a tool for mind control. "Your either in agreement and strict obedience with us or you dishonor us!" Ah wait a second who are "Conservative Christian Right Wingers"? I mean with that description none of us would agree to be a part of that club. Truth is that kind of dogma came from the pharisees in Jesus day. If I am truly inward looking and self evaluating I see that I am just as bad on any given day as any of the Pharisee. That's why Jesus said, "I came to deliver you from the law not to give it to you". I am just as in need of Jesus's Grace as anyone. "Honor Thy Parents" turns out not to be an extension of the controlling patriarchy but a banner of freedom given to each child from God at birth. A right that can only be taken away if we choose to forget it is ours to exercise.