Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I grew up on Topsail Island
I grew up going to Topsail Island every summer from June to August. As my family's love of the island grew so did the our stays on the island through out the year. Eventually it was my home away from home. It was my first love and one day I want my ashes scattered there mingling at the bottom the Graveyard of the Atlantic with the pirates and the pilgrims.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Im not breaking up with you I just need other blogs right now.
I've decide to start other blogs. It's not that it is not working out between us in fact I love you but the truth is I feel paralyzed these days about what to write about. There just so much stress in my life with my mother in laws stroke and my son's autism. Not to mention my autism. I just look at that blank page with the big orange button that says "publish post" and I freeze up. I get performance anxiety too. So for a little while I am going to write in this blog everyday as well as start some other blogs on specific topics. Stroke recovery for one and the autism K-5 to name another. I will invite you to read the other blogs. I am not shutting you out of the different parts of my life. Its just right now I need a separate container to hold some really big feelings. Please don't stop reading and commenting.
love, -to
love, -to
More Markets
America, Hear me I am a calm reassuring voice - listen. There are other markets than the "Financial Market". Its ok if one market goes belly up for a bit if it was sick to begin with.
other markets...
agriculture
precious metals
IT
industrial
labor
real asset
natural resources
Just to name a few. There are other ways to invest in America and make is strong instead of bailing out a financial market that needs to recover on its own. Your grand parents went from the roaring 20s to the Great Depression. It was hard but they worked through it and it made the US market place much stronger and less dependent on the financial arm.
Look my company is owned by a investment firm who made most of its money by insuring sub-prime equities. I have my job to loose if they go under and I am the bread winner in my family. But I am worried about the America my children and grandchildren will inherit. Lets sacrifice now and invest in our real future.
other markets...
agriculture
precious metals
IT
industrial
labor
real asset
natural resources
Just to name a few. There are other ways to invest in America and make is strong instead of bailing out a financial market that needs to recover on its own. Your grand parents went from the roaring 20s to the Great Depression. It was hard but they worked through it and it made the US market place much stronger and less dependent on the financial arm.
Look my company is owned by a investment firm who made most of its money by insuring sub-prime equities. I have my job to loose if they go under and I am the bread winner in my family. But I am worried about the America my children and grandchildren will inherit. Lets sacrifice now and invest in our real future.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The pink plastic tub and why the USA ranks 37 in health care
Here is just one of many examples from Duke Raleigh Memorial Hospital in Raleigh. My mother in law has a peg feeding tube in her belly. The nurse comes in a fills one of those little pink plastic tubs of water in the sink in the room. She takes a large plastic syringe and hooks it into the feeding tube and pulls out a little of my mother in laws stomach juices and eyeballs it for measurement. Then she sucks some water for the pink plastic stub up with the syringe and pushes the stomach juices and water back through the feeding tube. She repeats this about 3 to 4 times. Then she rinses out the plastic syringe by sucking up a little water from the tub and then squirting it back out. She puts the syringe aside to use again later. She considers it "clean" at this point. She pours the water in the pink plastic tub out in the sink in the room. She washes tub once with a swish of fresh water and sets it aside to dry. No soap. She considers the sink and the pink plastic tub “clean” at this point. A nurse comes in 20 minutes later picks up the pink plastic tub and proceed to bathe my mother in law with it.
American medical care may be the most expensive in the world, but that does not mean it is worth every penny. I know this first hand dealing with my mother in laws stroke. A Commonwealth Fund study highlights the stark contrast between what the United States spends on its health system and the quality of care it delivers, especially when compared with many other industrialized nations.
The report, shows that the United States spends more than twice as much on each person for health care as most other industrialized countries. But it has fallen to last place among those countries in preventing deaths through use of timely and effective medical care.
Currently my mother in law is dying. Not from the stroke that brought her to the hospital but from the infection she got once she arrived.
While access to care in the United States has worsened since the fund’s first report card in 2006 as more people — some 75 million — are believed to lack adequate health insurance or are uninsured altogether. But this is not our problem if anything my mother in law is “over insured” even as the cost of health care continues to rise steadily and more people — even those with insurance — struggle to pay their medical bills.
But the report also emphasizes the inefficiencies of the American health care system. The administrative costs of the medical insurance system consume much more of the current health care dollar, about 7.5 percent, than in other countries. The nurses that care for my mother in law spends 80% of there time documenting the 20% of care that they administer. This mostly for billing purposes. Insurance companies require more and more documentation to support claim reimbursement. The time spent creating the documentation significantly reduces the time spent caring for patients. Most of our health care dollar goes to take care of the health insurance companies documentation needs rather than the patient’s needs.
Bringing those administrative costs down to the level of 5 percent or so as in Germany and Switzerland, where private insurers play a significant role, would save an estimated $50 billion a year in the United States according to the report. Much of the high costs are attributed to the lack of computerized systems that may link pharmacies and doctors’ offices for filling prescriptions, for example, or that may enable insurers to more efficiently pay doctors’ bills.
American medical care may be the most expensive in the world, but that does not mean it is worth every penny. I know this first hand dealing with my mother in laws stroke. A Commonwealth Fund study highlights the stark contrast between what the United States spends on its health system and the quality of care it delivers, especially when compared with many other industrialized nations.
The report, shows that the United States spends more than twice as much on each person for health care as most other industrialized countries. But it has fallen to last place among those countries in preventing deaths through use of timely and effective medical care.
Currently my mother in law is dying. Not from the stroke that brought her to the hospital but from the infection she got once she arrived.
While access to care in the United States has worsened since the fund’s first report card in 2006 as more people — some 75 million — are believed to lack adequate health insurance or are uninsured altogether. But this is not our problem if anything my mother in law is “over insured” even as the cost of health care continues to rise steadily and more people — even those with insurance — struggle to pay their medical bills.
But the report also emphasizes the inefficiencies of the American health care system. The administrative costs of the medical insurance system consume much more of the current health care dollar, about 7.5 percent, than in other countries. The nurses that care for my mother in law spends 80% of there time documenting the 20% of care that they administer. This mostly for billing purposes. Insurance companies require more and more documentation to support claim reimbursement. The time spent creating the documentation significantly reduces the time spent caring for patients. Most of our health care dollar goes to take care of the health insurance companies documentation needs rather than the patient’s needs.
Bringing those administrative costs down to the level of 5 percent or so as in Germany and Switzerland, where private insurers play a significant role, would save an estimated $50 billion a year in the United States according to the report. Much of the high costs are attributed to the lack of computerized systems that may link pharmacies and doctors’ offices for filling prescriptions, for example, or that may enable insurers to more efficiently pay doctors’ bills.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Skinny Jeans
Skinny JeansNo that is not me. Get real. Well my 2 new pairs of Skinny Jeans are getting "Good Willed" today. Yes I hated them in the 80s and hate them still even now. "Why" friends ask you are actually tall and skinny enough to pull them off. Yes but I am still a woman and skinny jeans are a health issue. They are so tight and they don't breath because of all the stretchy stuff in them. I mean they don't breath - like you feel like you are wearing a wet diaper by the end of the day. Eeew.
So as soon as I fill my prescription for Diflucan for the yeast infection and Cipro for the bladder infection those things are out of my life!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Cost of groceries just doubled? Anyone
I just went to the grocery store to buy my usuals. The things I get every week. 2 Gallons of milk, two loaves of bread - the usuals, you know what I am saying. The cost was exactly double of what I was paying two weeks ago. Last week it was about 25% more but this week - BAM! SO I very carefully selected my items and then I had to have a talk with my husband...
A very uncomfortable talk.
My husband you see is a "big man". That is to say he doesn't look like he has been missing any meals lately. To be frank he eats a lot, he is fat and very defensive about it. His consumption makes up about half to 2/3 of the grocery bill. So I had to say, we can't afford your eating habit anymore.
WOW really touchy subject. It doesn't help that his mother is on her death bed either. I mean that kind of despair is enough to make anyone eat excessively. But literally we are not going to make it to the next pay check unless he cuts back. He eats normal size meals but he stuffs mouthfuls in here an there along the way until about 11:00 at night. It just adds up.
I have been taking an appetite stimulant to make me eat more so my consumption is up as well. But I am at risk of blowing away. But even with me on a weight gain plan and eating about 2700 to 3200 a day I can't out eat my man.
So as much as I wanted to say nice things like "I am concerned about your health" or "I love you too much to see you do this to yourself". It came out more like. "I can't afford your ever growing belly".
What a gaff. Help anyone!
A very uncomfortable talk.
My husband you see is a "big man". That is to say he doesn't look like he has been missing any meals lately. To be frank he eats a lot, he is fat and very defensive about it. His consumption makes up about half to 2/3 of the grocery bill. So I had to say, we can't afford your eating habit anymore.
WOW really touchy subject. It doesn't help that his mother is on her death bed either. I mean that kind of despair is enough to make anyone eat excessively. But literally we are not going to make it to the next pay check unless he cuts back. He eats normal size meals but he stuffs mouthfuls in here an there along the way until about 11:00 at night. It just adds up.
I have been taking an appetite stimulant to make me eat more so my consumption is up as well. But I am at risk of blowing away. But even with me on a weight gain plan and eating about 2700 to 3200 a day I can't out eat my man.
So as much as I wanted to say nice things like "I am concerned about your health" or "I love you too much to see you do this to yourself". It came out more like. "I can't afford your ever growing belly".
What a gaff. Help anyone!
Who wants to suffer to death? Raise your hand.
I've written before about my experience of having my heart and lungs stop and needing to be resuscitated. It was a crazy fluke. I was at the cardiologist for persistent A-fib. Got a a little dizzy during a blood withdrawal and then boom - lights out. What was unusual is for 2 minutes my heart and lungs required CPR to work. It turned out to be syncope. But if your heart and lungs have to stop what better place to be than the cardiologists. So there was about 30 seconds of real physical suffering with this episode. I think that is about my limit.
My mother in law is still suffering. She had her stroke around the first of September. I can't even remember now the exact date. She has an infection now and to be honest she looks like and sounds like - she is dying.
I really wanted her to get well. I feel really angry that she is not - and sad.
So I tell her each day that even in her suffering she is building the Kingdom of God. People come to her bed side and pray when they ordinarily wouldn't have. People who rarely read the bible sit at her bedside and read scripture. "Look at how you have brought people to Jesus with your suffering", I tell her. This help her feel strong and she feels a sense of purpose.
But I have to tell you from watching her. I don't want to die like that. Neither did she. I mean who does?
My mother in law is still suffering. She had her stroke around the first of September. I can't even remember now the exact date. She has an infection now and to be honest she looks like and sounds like - she is dying.
I really wanted her to get well. I feel really angry that she is not - and sad.
So I tell her each day that even in her suffering she is building the Kingdom of God. People come to her bed side and pray when they ordinarily wouldn't have. People who rarely read the bible sit at her bedside and read scripture. "Look at how you have brought people to Jesus with your suffering", I tell her. This help her feel strong and she feels a sense of purpose.
But I have to tell you from watching her. I don't want to die like that. Neither did she. I mean who does?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Real Choice - Ecclesiastes
At Vintage 21 in Raleigh we are studying Ecclesiastes (written by Solomon, yeah the really wise dude) and it got me to thinking about a conversation I had once.
About 10 years ago or so I was talking with a friend of mine Paul Boyle who is a Buddhist monk here in Chapel Hill NC and he was feeling a little disgusted with my pent up consumption. Yes that is when you want want want stuff and more stuff. He was the first to point out to me that there are 2 kinds of poor. First people who truly have very little and are totally marginalized. Then there are the people who never have enough. No matter how much they have. I was young single and "broke". I was the second kind of poor and I was burning down the track of "I am gonna get mine". He said, "I remember living in Canada where I had real choices instead of all these fake ones I have in America". Ok my gut reaction was like that of any red blooded American. If you like Canada so much - Delta is ready when you are." But I didn't say that because I was curious about his point of view - "What choices exactly are you referring too?", I asked. "The choice not to be a consumer", he said. Ok I must admit that sounded like; the option to sit on your butt and be a lazy do nothing with no job. "Live off the grid" right? No he said, "you can choose whether you want Skippy or Peter Pan Peanut Butter. But you can't make any real choices that will effect your "pursuit of happiness". He used his finger to draw a circle in the air around the words "pursuit of happiness". The conversation went on to talk about prison reform, quality education and universal health care and my eyes glazed over and it was all over my head. I wasn't in prison, I was young and healthy and I was well educated.
Now that I have kids I finally get what he was saying. I want to give my kids a "better life" than the one I had. This means what in America? Simply put the opportunity to collect a high salary and buy lots of stuff during your life span. That is not much of an opportunity. I want more for my kids than that. It can only lead to a life of sadness and loneliness.
I am a search engine optimization engineer for fortune 500s. I collect a high salary as there are very few people who do what I do on the scale that I do it. I chose to have my salary slashed and go to work only 30 hours a week so that I could build a life with real choices. The opportunity to participate in my kids education. The opportunity to volunteer. The opportunity to be healthy and to give my kids an healthy life style. Since I was 22 I have sat behind a computer for 8 hours a day in a cubical. I am 38, imagine what my arteries look like. My work is interesting but that simply is not a healthy lifestyle. So I gave myself a few extra hours to work out. I am working on my black belt now. Now that my mother in law has had a stroke I am searching for the opportunity to care for my loved ones in a consistent and meaningful way. That choice to really love someone who is sick - thats a real choice.
About 10 years ago or so I was talking with a friend of mine Paul Boyle who is a Buddhist monk here in Chapel Hill NC and he was feeling a little disgusted with my pent up consumption. Yes that is when you want want want stuff and more stuff. He was the first to point out to me that there are 2 kinds of poor. First people who truly have very little and are totally marginalized. Then there are the people who never have enough. No matter how much they have. I was young single and "broke". I was the second kind of poor and I was burning down the track of "I am gonna get mine". He said, "I remember living in Canada where I had real choices instead of all these fake ones I have in America". Ok my gut reaction was like that of any red blooded American. If you like Canada so much - Delta is ready when you are." But I didn't say that because I was curious about his point of view - "What choices exactly are you referring too?", I asked. "The choice not to be a consumer", he said. Ok I must admit that sounded like; the option to sit on your butt and be a lazy do nothing with no job. "Live off the grid" right? No he said, "you can choose whether you want Skippy or Peter Pan Peanut Butter. But you can't make any real choices that will effect your "pursuit of happiness". He used his finger to draw a circle in the air around the words "pursuit of happiness". The conversation went on to talk about prison reform, quality education and universal health care and my eyes glazed over and it was all over my head. I wasn't in prison, I was young and healthy and I was well educated.
Now that I have kids I finally get what he was saying. I want to give my kids a "better life" than the one I had. This means what in America? Simply put the opportunity to collect a high salary and buy lots of stuff during your life span. That is not much of an opportunity. I want more for my kids than that. It can only lead to a life of sadness and loneliness.
I am a search engine optimization engineer for fortune 500s. I collect a high salary as there are very few people who do what I do on the scale that I do it. I chose to have my salary slashed and go to work only 30 hours a week so that I could build a life with real choices. The opportunity to participate in my kids education. The opportunity to volunteer. The opportunity to be healthy and to give my kids an healthy life style. Since I was 22 I have sat behind a computer for 8 hours a day in a cubical. I am 38, imagine what my arteries look like. My work is interesting but that simply is not a healthy lifestyle. So I gave myself a few extra hours to work out. I am working on my black belt now. Now that my mother in law has had a stroke I am searching for the opportunity to care for my loved ones in a consistent and meaningful way. That choice to really love someone who is sick - thats a real choice.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Michelle Obama - the angry black woman
Michelle Obama does come off a little angry. She is also black. I keep watching and she doesn't seem like she is angry about the treatment of black people in America. She just seems like she gets angry when someone picks on her man. Quite frankly I find that admirable. Now I am not saying she is not a formidable activist for black rights in America but she just doesnt seem angry in that regard. But I get mad when people pick on my husband. Don't you? Even if what they are saying is true. I don't want to hear anybody run down my man. Oh and especially not in front of our kids. I think there is a little of that going on with Michelle too.
Maybe its my martial arts training or maybe it is just that I don't own everybody's anger. I don't mind if people get angry. Its not like anger is some bizarre emotion only observed in rare isolate cannibal tribes in the uncharted deep rain forests of the Amazon.
So what - she's angry. Might be good to have someone a little pissed off in the white house. Because I honestly don't care about her cookie recipies.
Maybe its my martial arts training or maybe it is just that I don't own everybody's anger. I don't mind if people get angry. Its not like anger is some bizarre emotion only observed in rare isolate cannibal tribes in the uncharted deep rain forests of the Amazon.
So what - she's angry. Might be good to have someone a little pissed off in the white house. Because I honestly don't care about her cookie recipies.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Happy Accidents
In art school in between the beginning and the completetion of piece of artwork there would be some sort of critical error in the design. This resulted in revesre engineering. Which resulted in some unintended outcomes that frequently turned out to make the art piece better than the original plan.
Our proffessors refered to this as a "Happy Accident".
Since that time I have fallen in love with Happy Accidents. The last really big one I had was my daughter. To have a 'happy accident' one my attempt spontenaity and creativity. I think I need to take a few more creative risks in my life and open myself up to the next - "Happy Accident".
Our proffessors refered to this as a "Happy Accident".
Since that time I have fallen in love with Happy Accidents. The last really big one I had was my daughter. To have a 'happy accident' one my attempt spontenaity and creativity. I think I need to take a few more creative risks in my life and open myself up to the next - "Happy Accident".
Getting Even
My niece cried last night because her teacher is unfair and seems to play favorites with grades. She is a great kid but for whatever reason her 3rd grade teacher has decided she is not part of her inner circle of "perfect kids". Well her parent reassured her again that they just aren't interested in good grades as much as a good attitude. My brother tired to explain that their are always going to be people like this regardless of the school or job or club or whatever.
When I was in college. I had a boyfiend who was in the same class as I was. I helped him study for every test because he wasnt exactly the "brightess bulb in the shed". (Yes I meant to say it that way). So he always got an A and I always got a B even though I was the one spoon feeding the course content to my boyfriend.
Finally I confronted my professor. Showing him a copy of my boyfriends test and mine. The exact same answers that where marked correct on my boyfriends test where marked incorrect on mine but only to the point of lowering my grade to a B.
My professor smirked at me and he said, "I'll take a look at it but first could you get me some water honey." Could I wait on him? Did he just call me "Honey". Most of it was in the tone of his voice but it dawned on me this guy is a sexist pig. Come to think of it - He doesn't give any girls in his class an A on anything. If he is going to admit that he graded my test wrong then I was going to have to scrape a little for him and act like a good little woman and fetch his water.
So I got him a cup of water - from the toliet. He was out sick with a stomach bug for three days.
He still wouldn't give me an A on the test even though he admitted all my answers where right but I didnt mind.
We where even.
Gosh I hope my niece doesnt follow in my foot step and learns to get a handle on this grade thing.
When I was in college. I had a boyfiend who was in the same class as I was. I helped him study for every test because he wasnt exactly the "brightess bulb in the shed". (Yes I meant to say it that way). So he always got an A and I always got a B even though I was the one spoon feeding the course content to my boyfriend.
Finally I confronted my professor. Showing him a copy of my boyfriends test and mine. The exact same answers that where marked correct on my boyfriends test where marked incorrect on mine but only to the point of lowering my grade to a B.
My professor smirked at me and he said, "I'll take a look at it but first could you get me some water honey." Could I wait on him? Did he just call me "Honey". Most of it was in the tone of his voice but it dawned on me this guy is a sexist pig. Come to think of it - He doesn't give any girls in his class an A on anything. If he is going to admit that he graded my test wrong then I was going to have to scrape a little for him and act like a good little woman and fetch his water.
So I got him a cup of water - from the toliet. He was out sick with a stomach bug for three days.
He still wouldn't give me an A on the test even though he admitted all my answers where right but I didnt mind.
We where even.
Gosh I hope my niece doesnt follow in my foot step and learns to get a handle on this grade thing.
Hardon Super Collieder
Now it just sounds like a bad idea to slam particles together and try and recreate the big bag or a black hole - "on your own planet".
But who is going to argue with the scientist at the Hardon Collider?
You would say, "I think this is a bad idea."
They would start talking about anti-matter particle occurrences already existing in our atmosphere and that is when your eyes would glaze over.
I mean who is on their level to argue with them about it really.
Just hope it goes well. If you are a non-physicist like me. Here is the Hardon Rap Video (yep that's right Rap) that will give you a better understanding of the colliders purpose.
But who is going to argue with the scientist at the Hardon Collider?
You would say, "I think this is a bad idea."
They would start talking about anti-matter particle occurrences already existing in our atmosphere and that is when your eyes would glaze over.
I mean who is on their level to argue with them about it really.
Just hope it goes well. If you are a non-physicist like me. Here is the Hardon Rap Video (yep that's right Rap) that will give you a better understanding of the colliders purpose.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Low ration of men teaching in Public Schools
I heard a report on ‘Fresh Air’ that stated only 10% of our public school teachers are men.
Now I am a believer in the diverse work force. I am from the south and living with ugly roots of racism still exposed like a tree ripped from its roots by a tornado and landing smack dab in the middle of town square. Everyone stops and gawks. Oh, what a sight. So drilled into my brain is diversity and integration. They put it in the water here. I heard Jessie Jackson talk once about the worst thing that happened to Harlem was integration. I sat their with my mouth open like I was hearing pure blasphemy. Now I can at least hear his point of view now but to this day I still can’t get on board with it.
Now where are all the men who want to teach? My husband was a public middle school Art teacher for three years. As a male Art School Teacher he automatically got the “fag” label. He had a girl in his class who he gave a “B” for the semester. He was called into the principal office for sexually harassing the girl. He was suspended until further notice. He was disgraced and shamed by other teachers. She carefully laid out the details on the day in which my husband told her he would give her a poor grade if she didn’t have sex with him. Hall cameras showed her going into his classroom after school. And he was in fact in the classroom and did speak to her on the day in question. However on that day in the back of the classroom a boy was loading the kiln. The kiln is in a small shoulder high cubical of firewall. For whatever reason the girl didn’t notice the boy in the back of the room watching her. He watched the entire exchange as she challenged my husband about her grade in his class. She became angry as my husband told her to do her work and she would get good grades. My husband’s only eyewitness to his innocence - a small Asian kid with bad English.
When the kid was questioned he was shocked and explained my husband hadn’t said anything of the sort about having sex for grades. The kid then delivered a fact no one new but the other kids. The girl got paid quite handsomely by her parents for getting straight “A’s” and my husbands “B” ruined her winning streak and $500.00 in cash. When confronted the girl fessed up to her scheme even her own father confessed that he thought she was lying about the sexual harassment to get the B turned into an A.
This girl had no clue she almost ruined a mans life for $500.00. And showed no remorse. Ruined his prospect of ever getting real work. She had no grasp of the impact a false accusation would make. To her it was just a means to and end. A little white lie for an “A” and a quick $500.00. My husband quit that semester. He realized the next time he wouldn’t be so lucky and that there would be a next time.
There are other reasons men don’t teach. The wages are not head of house hold wages. But the main reason they site for not teaching is fear of a false allegation of sexual impropriety. Isn’t creating a work environment where the employee live in fear of loosing their job based on race or gender illegal?
Public school systems. Heads up! One word – CCTV.
Now I am a believer in the diverse work force. I am from the south and living with ugly roots of racism still exposed like a tree ripped from its roots by a tornado and landing smack dab in the middle of town square. Everyone stops and gawks. Oh, what a sight. So drilled into my brain is diversity and integration. They put it in the water here. I heard Jessie Jackson talk once about the worst thing that happened to Harlem was integration. I sat their with my mouth open like I was hearing pure blasphemy. Now I can at least hear his point of view now but to this day I still can’t get on board with it.
Now where are all the men who want to teach? My husband was a public middle school Art teacher for three years. As a male Art School Teacher he automatically got the “fag” label. He had a girl in his class who he gave a “B” for the semester. He was called into the principal office for sexually harassing the girl. He was suspended until further notice. He was disgraced and shamed by other teachers. She carefully laid out the details on the day in which my husband told her he would give her a poor grade if she didn’t have sex with him. Hall cameras showed her going into his classroom after school. And he was in fact in the classroom and did speak to her on the day in question. However on that day in the back of the classroom a boy was loading the kiln. The kiln is in a small shoulder high cubical of firewall. For whatever reason the girl didn’t notice the boy in the back of the room watching her. He watched the entire exchange as she challenged my husband about her grade in his class. She became angry as my husband told her to do her work and she would get good grades. My husband’s only eyewitness to his innocence - a small Asian kid with bad English.
When the kid was questioned he was shocked and explained my husband hadn’t said anything of the sort about having sex for grades. The kid then delivered a fact no one new but the other kids. The girl got paid quite handsomely by her parents for getting straight “A’s” and my husbands “B” ruined her winning streak and $500.00 in cash. When confronted the girl fessed up to her scheme even her own father confessed that he thought she was lying about the sexual harassment to get the B turned into an A.
This girl had no clue she almost ruined a mans life for $500.00. And showed no remorse. Ruined his prospect of ever getting real work. She had no grasp of the impact a false accusation would make. To her it was just a means to and end. A little white lie for an “A” and a quick $500.00. My husband quit that semester. He realized the next time he wouldn’t be so lucky and that there would be a next time.
There are other reasons men don’t teach. The wages are not head of house hold wages. But the main reason they site for not teaching is fear of a false allegation of sexual impropriety. Isn’t creating a work environment where the employee live in fear of loosing their job based on race or gender illegal?
Public school systems. Heads up! One word – CCTV.
Coumadin
We knew she was sitting on top of a major stroke. The week before she had fainted when the cleaning people came by. It was followed by a head splitting headache and fatigue. Hallmarks of a stroke. Possibly a minor stroke before a major one. The tremor before the quake. She consented to go to a Neurologist only the day before. The same Neurologist that sees her daily in the hospital now. But she refused to take the Coumadin (clot buster) he prescribed. She feared a bleeder stroke. We where one day away from a CT scan that he had ordered that would have shown us the impending event.
And so it goes - at night my husband and I talk about how frustrated and guilty we felt that we showed up a day late and a dollar short. At every turn during her hospitalization something has gone wrong just as we where trying to bring it to a doctor’s attention.
We thought we where alone in our grief until the Neurologist opened up about his feelings one night. He is completely devastated by her stroke. He is convinced if he had only been more assertive he could have saved her from this. I can see it all over him. It troubles him deeply.
Even when we remind him of how arrogant and strident she was about refusing the health care she needed. He has watched older patients who desire a natural death act out the belief that if they did not get treatment they could get one. Like 50 cents gets you candy out of a vending machine. Under funding your health care does not buy you a natural death. Even if we put her in hospice today it would be many years before she died. What she purchased with neglect is many years of struggle. Her desire to maintain her independence to the end has been thwarted and landed her in the lap of total dependence.
Even my own mother who is watching this experience still feels that when you reach a certain age that you should no longer treat your life ending events and by doing so you increase the likely hood the event will kill you and then you avoid suffering in the hospital. I am looking at an entire floor of ICU patients who thought they where clever too.
I am a mother too. I remember what my mother in law said the night before her stroke. “I am not going to live to be old and feeble like Mrs. Peterson down the street who is 105. I am just not doing that.” That could just have easily come out of my mouth.
Underneath our desire for a natural death there is a woman’s issue or more directly a mom issue. Don’t get me wrong men are the worst about going to the doctor but for different reasons. But as women we have generations of examples of moms going without good health care so they could give more to their children. They didn’t want to be a burden to their children as they got old. I know I don’t want my children to spend one penny taking care of me in my old age. Give it to the grandkids! It bothers me that they will have to contribute their paychecks to support social security. Put that money into public education instead.
But this thinking is wrong headed. Thinking back I have yet to see an example of a woman who delivered a leg up to her kids with self neglect. I have seen women deliver a leg up by being frugal and hard working but not neglectful. Take care of yourself and you can take care of your children. You know ‘In the event that oxygen masks are deployed place yours over your mouth before assisting your child’. Or when the baby is asleep Mom should sleep. We have to raise our daughters to be their own tenacious health care advocates.
So I told my mom spend it on yourself now. Please be as strong as you can until you can’t.
And so it goes - at night my husband and I talk about how frustrated and guilty we felt that we showed up a day late and a dollar short. At every turn during her hospitalization something has gone wrong just as we where trying to bring it to a doctor’s attention.
We thought we where alone in our grief until the Neurologist opened up about his feelings one night. He is completely devastated by her stroke. He is convinced if he had only been more assertive he could have saved her from this. I can see it all over him. It troubles him deeply.
Even when we remind him of how arrogant and strident she was about refusing the health care she needed. He has watched older patients who desire a natural death act out the belief that if they did not get treatment they could get one. Like 50 cents gets you candy out of a vending machine. Under funding your health care does not buy you a natural death. Even if we put her in hospice today it would be many years before she died. What she purchased with neglect is many years of struggle. Her desire to maintain her independence to the end has been thwarted and landed her in the lap of total dependence.
Even my own mother who is watching this experience still feels that when you reach a certain age that you should no longer treat your life ending events and by doing so you increase the likely hood the event will kill you and then you avoid suffering in the hospital. I am looking at an entire floor of ICU patients who thought they where clever too.
I am a mother too. I remember what my mother in law said the night before her stroke. “I am not going to live to be old and feeble like Mrs. Peterson down the street who is 105. I am just not doing that.” That could just have easily come out of my mouth.
Underneath our desire for a natural death there is a woman’s issue or more directly a mom issue. Don’t get me wrong men are the worst about going to the doctor but for different reasons. But as women we have generations of examples of moms going without good health care so they could give more to their children. They didn’t want to be a burden to their children as they got old. I know I don’t want my children to spend one penny taking care of me in my old age. Give it to the grandkids! It bothers me that they will have to contribute their paychecks to support social security. Put that money into public education instead.
But this thinking is wrong headed. Thinking back I have yet to see an example of a woman who delivered a leg up to her kids with self neglect. I have seen women deliver a leg up by being frugal and hard working but not neglectful. Take care of yourself and you can take care of your children. You know ‘In the event that oxygen masks are deployed place yours over your mouth before assisting your child’. Or when the baby is asleep Mom should sleep. We have to raise our daughters to be their own tenacious health care advocates.
So I told my mom spend it on yourself now. Please be as strong as you can until you can’t.
Hurricanes - Topsail Island
Growing up I used to live at Topsail Island during the summer. Every now and then we had an early tropical storm. No one leaves the island for a tropical storm. But every now and then just before making land fall a tropical storm would slowly turn into a powerful hurricane. By now the islands bridge was closed and there was no way off the island. Now as a young person I didn’t really understand property damage so I had no fear of an approaching hurricane - I found them amazing. It always meant good surfing in the days before her land fall. Hurricanes despite some of their names are distinctly feminine. Like an angry woman a hurricane doesn’t just spring out of nowhere like a tornado which is distinctly masculine? You can feel her coming two or even three days before she arrives. It’s like hearing the horse hooves of an approaching army in the distance. She doesn’t camp outside your castle. The hurricanes steady churning arms make the air around you breathe in and out. She doesn’t breathe down your neck she is coming at you in the face. It is a steady slow advance but when it reaches you it is one persistent wave of relentless fury after another. One wave isolated by it self is nothing but 8 hours of it leaves even the most developed coast line and pile of white sand. You can here her wind ripping shingle and plywood from your roof. Then the waves crash effortlessly over the tall sand dunes that seemed like an impenetrable 15 foot dam just hours before. She sucks them out to sea and swallows them whole in only a few gulps. Then with benevolent wrath she heads for your beach house and every beach house. All beach houses on Topsail are built on 20 ft stilts by law. The waves flood over the island ripping away the streets, deck and stairs leaving you stranded on top of your 20 foot stilts. You can feel the entire beach house being pulled apart stilt by stilt as the waves surge in and out. There is no reason why your house is left standing but another is not. Like a single woman’s anger the hurricane has a regenerative force that levels the destructive effects of mankind along with its glory. As soon as she touches the shore she begins to widen and rip herself apart with the sheer force of her onslaught until she stands still - a blue sunshine sky – Pleased, in the wake of her destruction.
Power of Attorney
As I’ve made the local hospital here my second home, I have observed something about financial and medical Power of Attorney in my own family and the other families around me. Parents select the child for the role of Power of attorney who has the least ability to act in that capacity. It is not done on purpose. I think they select the person who won’t “push them around” when they are at their weakest point. Parents phrase it as “respect my wishes” but that is just code for “I picked you because you won’t rock the boat”. The child with Power of Attorney authority becomes paralyzed with inaction. It is like watching a car stuck on train tracks and seeing the train barreling towards it and knowing there is nothing I can do. I pray for my mother in laws 3rd son, this is so far over his head.
I just saw this played out with a family where the father had a massive heart attack/ minor stroke that left him in a lethargic state but still possessing his mental faculties but unable to vocalize or act on his wishes. His wife who is his power of attorney became completely paralyzed with shock and grief. Her children had to have a judge rule their own mother mentally unable to perform the duty and then she had to sign her power of attorney over to her son. Their son was the fathers second pick for power of attorney. The mom was more than ready to hand over the duty but felt like a failure for not being able to perform her duties. Her son looks like a deer in head lights. Meanwhile they have a daughter who is an RN who is actually running the show by telling her brother what to do. She is trying to prod the brother to pay the bills and construct a new life their her father and mother. What a mess.
What a mess we are in too. I am not sure that I will do any better in making these choices.
I just saw this played out with a family where the father had a massive heart attack/ minor stroke that left him in a lethargic state but still possessing his mental faculties but unable to vocalize or act on his wishes. His wife who is his power of attorney became completely paralyzed with shock and grief. Her children had to have a judge rule their own mother mentally unable to perform the duty and then she had to sign her power of attorney over to her son. Their son was the fathers second pick for power of attorney. The mom was more than ready to hand over the duty but felt like a failure for not being able to perform her duties. Her son looks like a deer in head lights. Meanwhile they have a daughter who is an RN who is actually running the show by telling her brother what to do. She is trying to prod the brother to pay the bills and construct a new life their her father and mother. What a mess.
What a mess we are in too. I am not sure that I will do any better in making these choices.
Monday, September 8, 2008
The Stroke Continues
Yes my husband and I are still doing around the clock shifts to get my mother in law ready for rehab. Her youngest and favored son who she designated as her power of attorney has completely lost it. He came to see her once. Who knows if he is paying her bills. I feel bad for him he loves his mother so much that he is just in pieces over this. The cause of her stroke is still yet unknown. It doesn't really matter to me at this point as long as she doesn't have another stroke. I know that sounds ignorant how can I possibly help her prevent another stroke unless I know how the first one occurred. But I think this is the tunnel vision mindset that we get into when we are working around the clock like this. Right now the big push is for her to recognize her left hand. Due to the stroke she can't feel it and doesn't know it is there. So we need to get her to take her right hand that is at 50% productivity and reach over and grab the left arm that she can't feel. This is like waking up when your left arm has fallen asleep. You have to reach over and grab it with your "good hand". you say to yourself this is weird - Who's arm is that? Then you move it into a new position and blood starts to rush back in and you can feel your arm again. Now with a stroke the blood doesn't rush back in and everything is better. You have to create a new neuro pathway in your brain that say, "Oh my left arm there it is! Thank goodness I though I had lost you." To create the new nuero pathway the stroke victim has to keep trying to lift the limp arm with the opposite unaffected hand. Lots of cheer leading is needed. It sounds simple right. But excessive sleepiness, exhaustion and bewilderment are all hallmarks of a stroke. It can be problematic.
Oddly we are not that exhasted yet. I have a spiritual gift my mother in law get a lot of releif from called 'intercessory of prayer'. When people are sick I put my hands on them and pray in the name of Jesus that there sickness is healed. I can sort of see with a third eye type of thing where the sickness orginates and I put my hands on that area. My hands get very hot so hot the sick person can feel it they usually say something like "wonderful" or "thank you Jesus". It causes them to be aware of their illness or injury and Gods healing power at the same time. It is something they can do on their own but they are often to sick to do it. Note I have never healed anyone directly. You know like "take up your mat and walk" type stuff. What I do is just facilitate between a very sick person and God. Some people call this reiki. It is sort of like that but was developed out of the practice of prayer. Every now and then someone trys to thank me and I just remind them they where baptized in the name of Jesus not me. This type of prayer is not without physical cost and sometime I get physically depleated but I bounce back pretty quickly. So if you would pray for me please - that I keep my strength right now.
Oddly we are not that exhasted yet. I have a spiritual gift my mother in law get a lot of releif from called 'intercessory of prayer'. When people are sick I put my hands on them and pray in the name of Jesus that there sickness is healed. I can sort of see with a third eye type of thing where the sickness orginates and I put my hands on that area. My hands get very hot so hot the sick person can feel it they usually say something like "wonderful" or "thank you Jesus". It causes them to be aware of their illness or injury and Gods healing power at the same time. It is something they can do on their own but they are often to sick to do it. Note I have never healed anyone directly. You know like "take up your mat and walk" type stuff. What I do is just facilitate between a very sick person and God. Some people call this reiki. It is sort of like that but was developed out of the practice of prayer. Every now and then someone trys to thank me and I just remind them they where baptized in the name of Jesus not me. This type of prayer is not without physical cost and sometime I get physically depleated but I bounce back pretty quickly. So if you would pray for me please - that I keep my strength right now.
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Abortion Issue; NOTICE to the Replublican Party
I have always said I would vote for John McCain if he ran but you are not getting my vote so easily because OBama has good points too.
If you want to earn my vote here is a notice to the Republican Party : Listen up because I represent millions of right to life women. Don't try that right to life crap on me again. You have had the most conservative court in history and and you haven't over turned Roe v Wade and go ahead and fess up - you never will and you never intended to.
I know that women are the LARGEST, and MOST EFFECTIVE voting block in America. To invalidate the Woman Agenda one must divide it so that each woman's vote cancels out anothers and that is what you have been using the right to life soap box for.
I am wise to you now. You don't want to eliminate abortion you just want to make sure that the woman agenda for this county doesn't count.
You've been dividing us on two side of the chicken yard. Right to Life and Right to Choice. You have sat on top of your dung pile of power and crowed as we have pecked each other to death. While we are busy hen pecking each other you are busy shaping the country - my taxes, my children's education funding, my health care.
Well shove off! If you dare try to make abortion and issue this time around. This vote will go for OBama. You've been warned by this political Maven - Maverick.
If you want to earn my vote here is a notice to the Republican Party : Listen up because I represent millions of right to life women. Don't try that right to life crap on me again. You have had the most conservative court in history and and you haven't over turned Roe v Wade and go ahead and fess up - you never will and you never intended to.
I know that women are the LARGEST, and MOST EFFECTIVE voting block in America. To invalidate the Woman Agenda one must divide it so that each woman's vote cancels out anothers and that is what you have been using the right to life soap box for.
I am wise to you now. You don't want to eliminate abortion you just want to make sure that the woman agenda for this county doesn't count.
You've been dividing us on two side of the chicken yard. Right to Life and Right to Choice. You have sat on top of your dung pile of power and crowed as we have pecked each other to death. While we are busy hen pecking each other you are busy shaping the country - my taxes, my children's education funding, my health care.
Well shove off! If you dare try to make abortion and issue this time around. This vote will go for OBama. You've been warned by this political Maven - Maverick.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Vintage 21 Church in Raleigh
I attended Church without my husband for years. Then his heart changed and he wanted a Church. He had questions he couldn't answer. He admired the life and faith of my brother in law and he wanted his life to be more like his. What Church do you attend my husband asked. Vintage 21 Church in Raleigh he replied. So we went and my husband gets something new that builds his faith and gives him direction in building the Kingdom of God. I like the Vintage 21 church a lot. It has some season and stability to it now. But I can go to just about any church and enjoy it -with in reason. The Vintage 21 childrens church is good but it more closely resembles a fledgling church plant. It lacks a early teen population. Pastor Tyler is a good guy, kind, social, falible all the things you and I are. The rock n' roll is awesome. The enviorment is a gutted failed bar. They have an art gallery at the entrance where local artist hang their work. It's cool. If you are looking for a church in Raleigh NC I highly recommend Vintage 21. Come see us.
an unclean house
Isaiah 64:6
6 All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away
Now it is one thing to be a filthy rag in front of God. It is reassuring actually.
It is entirely another thing to be a filthy rag in front of your friends.
Specifically I mean having "shiny".
Shiny smiles and shiny shoes inside of your shiny house where your shiny marriage thrives as you raise your shiny children and when you want a little adventure you take your shiny car on a shiny vacation.
I think I am going to be sick.
But as my husband and I have done rotations at the hospital with my mother in law our house has turned to something that is anything but shiny. If I don't get some laundry done I think it will do the opposite of turning into a leaf and blow away.
More like turn into a living thing and crawl away.
We have been eating at fast food places a lot lately and the greasy wrappers tend to stay in the car. We referred to it as the "garbage barge" the other day.
The bright spot, I went to the hospital when CeCe was transferred to ICU because she was getting worse and I did healing prayers over her entire body as I rubbed her hands and feet, back and shoulders.
The next day when she was transferred out of ICU to a regular room I went back to see her and you know what she asked me to rub her feet and hands. I figured she just wanted a massage. So I started rubbing and she said "pray". So I started praying too just like I had done the other night. She like it and that is good for all of us. To be honest I felt she was suffering so badly the first night in ICU that she didn't even know I was praying. Guess she was much more alert than I thought.
6 All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away
Now it is one thing to be a filthy rag in front of God. It is reassuring actually.
It is entirely another thing to be a filthy rag in front of your friends.
Specifically I mean having "shiny".
Shiny smiles and shiny shoes inside of your shiny house where your shiny marriage thrives as you raise your shiny children and when you want a little adventure you take your shiny car on a shiny vacation.
I think I am going to be sick.
But as my husband and I have done rotations at the hospital with my mother in law our house has turned to something that is anything but shiny. If I don't get some laundry done I think it will do the opposite of turning into a leaf and blow away.
More like turn into a living thing and crawl away.
We have been eating at fast food places a lot lately and the greasy wrappers tend to stay in the car. We referred to it as the "garbage barge" the other day.
The bright spot, I went to the hospital when CeCe was transferred to ICU because she was getting worse and I did healing prayers over her entire body as I rubbed her hands and feet, back and shoulders.
The next day when she was transferred out of ICU to a regular room I went back to see her and you know what she asked me to rub her feet and hands. I figured she just wanted a massage. So I started rubbing and she said "pray". So I started praying too just like I had done the other night. She like it and that is good for all of us. To be honest I felt she was suffering so badly the first night in ICU that she didn't even know I was praying. Guess she was much more alert than I thought.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Smoking Cary NC
As I continue my account of what it means to be "from" Cary, Yes that is actually born here. Cary NC. I would be remiss if I didnt tell you about our cigarette smoking habit. Oh yes Cary NC is smoking but not in cool way. If you are trying to quit avoid North Carolina all together.
Now they finally got rid of the student smoking courts in Cary NC High Schools in 1987. Since 2000 teachers are no longer allowed to smoke on campus at a public school or university. Just 2 yeas ago they restricted smoking in the North Carolina State Department of Agriculture building. Ah the last bastion of the smoking work place. Now the smokers live outside. Let me paint the picture for you. You go out side for a breather at work and you get anything but a breather because you can't breathe. There is an odd propensity of the smokers in Cary NC to stand at the door way and smoke. Non smokers have to pass through this really gross sencond hand smoke cloud to get in any building anywhere in Cary NC. So once you run the gantlet of the door way smokers you try to find a park bench or picnic table to site down and get a little sunshine. But you will have to share it with a gagle of smokers. This is true even at Beaches, National and State Parks in the area. It is very Bizzare Every resturant in Cary NC that you go into has a poorly seperated smoking and non smoking section. It is a completely ineffective concept unless the building has industrial level air evacuation and circulation system. Unlikely. All the resturant have bars in them. Even if there is no smoking in the resturant you are in clear veiw and ventilation of the smoking bar.
What really sucks is Cary NC teens smoke more than any other city/state. Is it any wonder they have been watching adults smoke every where they go. Cary NC college students are particularly vunerable. Imagine since they where young they have been going to resturants in Cary NC with their parent and looking over at smoking drinking young people. Thats is what young adult hood freedom is right - smoking and drinking. -Party on, Yuck.
Now they finally got rid of the student smoking courts in Cary NC High Schools in 1987. Since 2000 teachers are no longer allowed to smoke on campus at a public school or university. Just 2 yeas ago they restricted smoking in the North Carolina State Department of Agriculture building. Ah the last bastion of the smoking work place. Now the smokers live outside. Let me paint the picture for you. You go out side for a breather at work and you get anything but a breather because you can't breathe. There is an odd propensity of the smokers in Cary NC to stand at the door way and smoke. Non smokers have to pass through this really gross sencond hand smoke cloud to get in any building anywhere in Cary NC. So once you run the gantlet of the door way smokers you try to find a park bench or picnic table to site down and get a little sunshine. But you will have to share it with a gagle of smokers. This is true even at Beaches, National and State Parks in the area. It is very Bizzare Every resturant in Cary NC that you go into has a poorly seperated smoking and non smoking section. It is a completely ineffective concept unless the building has industrial level air evacuation and circulation system. Unlikely. All the resturant have bars in them. Even if there is no smoking in the resturant you are in clear veiw and ventilation of the smoking bar.
What really sucks is Cary NC teens smoke more than any other city/state. Is it any wonder they have been watching adults smoke every where they go. Cary NC college students are particularly vunerable. Imagine since they where young they have been going to resturants in Cary NC with their parent and looking over at smoking drinking young people. Thats is what young adult hood freedom is right - smoking and drinking. -Party on, Yuck.
The Last Night
My mother in law took a turn for the worse yesterday. There is fear that a new stroke has occured or a serious infection is taking over her body. She was moved from telemetry to ICU so she could get more around the clock care. I put my hands on each part of her body and prayed for healing. I sat with her and held her hand as she suffered through the night. I feel she is dying.
There was a time in my life when I was dying. I had one small cardiac event after another. I have hereditary non-specific chronic wasting. I was only in my 20s but at
5'8 I weighed 98 pounds. From morning until night my life was about eating. Even though I had been reassured by my doctor, counselor and nutritionist that I was unlikely to recover. This is back in the day when they said I had anorexia. Everyone had anorexia then it was fad. Even though the diagnosis was wrong it afforded me the opportunity to talk to a therapist as I died. By the way don't fool yourself there is no such thing as a quick and painless death. It is a slow solitary walk down the isle to eternity no matter how quick it may seem in terms of earthly time.
At this time I had graduated from colledge and I was just starting to date my husband and decided to hide my terminal diagnosis from him and see him on my 'good days'. On my good days I was determined to really live it up. Therapist have little to offer during these times but they are another human ear and I needed that because as I dated my husband 'to be' there was no room for telling him I was on my way out. He was just such a typical guy when it came to sickness. He didn't want a sick person in his life. He didn't want to care of anyone as they died. After all he was in the prime of his life. He wanted it to be easy come easy go. The old 'I can leave you at any time'. I didnt want to share my inner most secrets with him to me he seemed silly but that is only because I was looking at him from the gates of eternity. Everyone looks self center and stupid then. So I enjoyed him fully when we where together and knew that one day when my life was coming to a close that he would disappear. There is also no such thing as being there with someone as they die.
Reguardless of home many people stand at your bed side - you die alone.
Sometimes it made me sad that I didnt have a spouse that would hold my hand as the world turned cold. I suffered terribly but never alone God was always there. If it had not been for my suffering I would not have looked for him with such desperation. Exhaustion and pain. This is why I wounld not have traded my suffering for sedation. I called out to God and he came to me and held my hand as my life crumpled up like a small paper bag. When chest pain would crush me he held me in his arms. Finally I had nothing left and on the day that I died for 2 minutes I was in him and surrounded by him even as I went through the brutality of judgement.
When I was revived he was still with me and walked with me as I continued to suffer but started to recover with a correct diagnosis this time. Tenderly like lovers walking together on the beach. One day at a time. We fought the illness side by side like brothers in battle. Some days it was hard just to breathe or sit up, or to walk and certainly working was out of the question. But I called out to God again and again and he was there. I would not have traded those days of acute suffering for a calm and heavily sedated death.
There was a time in my life when I was dying. I had one small cardiac event after another. I have hereditary non-specific chronic wasting. I was only in my 20s but at
5'8 I weighed 98 pounds. From morning until night my life was about eating. Even though I had been reassured by my doctor, counselor and nutritionist that I was unlikely to recover. This is back in the day when they said I had anorexia. Everyone had anorexia then it was fad. Even though the diagnosis was wrong it afforded me the opportunity to talk to a therapist as I died. By the way don't fool yourself there is no such thing as a quick and painless death. It is a slow solitary walk down the isle to eternity no matter how quick it may seem in terms of earthly time.
At this time I had graduated from colledge and I was just starting to date my husband and decided to hide my terminal diagnosis from him and see him on my 'good days'. On my good days I was determined to really live it up. Therapist have little to offer during these times but they are another human ear and I needed that because as I dated my husband 'to be' there was no room for telling him I was on my way out. He was just such a typical guy when it came to sickness. He didn't want a sick person in his life. He didn't want to care of anyone as they died. After all he was in the prime of his life. He wanted it to be easy come easy go. The old 'I can leave you at any time'. I didnt want to share my inner most secrets with him to me he seemed silly but that is only because I was looking at him from the gates of eternity. Everyone looks self center and stupid then. So I enjoyed him fully when we where together and knew that one day when my life was coming to a close that he would disappear. There is also no such thing as being there with someone as they die.
Reguardless of home many people stand at your bed side - you die alone.
Sometimes it made me sad that I didnt have a spouse that would hold my hand as the world turned cold. I suffered terribly but never alone God was always there. If it had not been for my suffering I would not have looked for him with such desperation. Exhaustion and pain. This is why I wounld not have traded my suffering for sedation. I called out to God and he came to me and held my hand as my life crumpled up like a small paper bag. When chest pain would crush me he held me in his arms. Finally I had nothing left and on the day that I died for 2 minutes I was in him and surrounded by him even as I went through the brutality of judgement.
When I was revived he was still with me and walked with me as I continued to suffer but started to recover with a correct diagnosis this time. Tenderly like lovers walking together on the beach. One day at a time. We fought the illness side by side like brothers in battle. Some days it was hard just to breathe or sit up, or to walk and certainly working was out of the question. But I called out to God again and again and he was there. I would not have traded those days of acute suffering for a calm and heavily sedated death.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Just heard a great diet tip from a friend
Ground rules for this blog: when I refer to the word "diet" in this blog I am not talking about calorie reduction therapy. Commonly known in the US as 'dieting' or 'being on a diet'. Your diet is just that which you eat in a day. Some of us want to gain some of us want to loose so we adjust our "diet" accordingly.
Ok now that we have that out of the way. I personally like to add healthy calories if I can but I am one for the sweets. A friend mine says to me at the gym, "If you don't eat salt you won't eat sugar. Americans like the combination of a salty meal with a sweet desert." I said to myself you know she is right. Nothing like a sweet soda with a salty sub sandwich. Humm, evidentally this is not news to nutritionists who have been saying it all along. I will let you know if it works or not. Give it a try for a day and let me know what you think.
Ok now that we have that out of the way. I personally like to add healthy calories if I can but I am one for the sweets. A friend mine says to me at the gym, "If you don't eat salt you won't eat sugar. Americans like the combination of a salty meal with a sweet desert." I said to myself you know she is right. Nothing like a sweet soda with a salty sub sandwich. Humm, evidentally this is not news to nutritionists who have been saying it all along. I will let you know if it works or not. Give it a try for a day and let me know what you think.
Romans 8:26 - When it is tough to pray
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words.
Stroke - seeing everyones true colors
My mother in law had a stroke last Wednesday morning. I haven't been blogging but instead we have been at the hospital. It was a really bad stroke her entire left side is paralyzed and she cannot swallow. But she is fighting to get better. I will just keep you updated here and there.
She was admitted by EMS when a good Samaritan found her collapsed in the street by her mail box and called 911.
My mother in law is one of those people who is lovable from a distance. Up close she is like a porcupine. She built a tall fence around her town home to keep her neighbors away. She extended her yard into all the public spaces around her town home and would yell at people if there pet pee'd on her plants. She was a grumpy old lady. So there was no love loss between her and her neighbors and I am glad that some one didn't hold it against her when she fell.
Like wise I have always cared for her during all her seizures and falls. But she has always been nasty to me. She is a gossip and she loves to create internal drama in peoples lives. Pitting one family member against another and breaking up marriages.
So how do I show her Jesus love and build the Kingdom of God in these circumstances? My husband and I are tight and I have no pension for drama. So I don't play. So she hates me to make it fun for herself. She is even mean to our children especially my daughter. She had 3 sons and always wanted a daughter. It is in her nature to be driven by terrible jealousy. She has mastered the sin of coveting.
She is also completely obsessed with money. Who she is going to include in her will this week and who she is not. Who will get her good silver and who won't. I went to her home after I saw her in the emergency room and collected all the health and financial documentation that she had. I got her DNR, health insurance and stuff like that. It was clear that she was really loosing it the week before her stroke. It was clear from the condition of the house all her documents where strewn every where. Her oldest son pitched a fit that I went into her house unaccompanied by a "family member". He doesn't consider an in law family. Oh, except when it comes to his wife. This guy is a white supremest and he is so obsessed with blood lines that he would have married his own sister if he had one. He is the biggest drama queen - even bigger than his mom. It is obnoxious. How do I show him Jesus?
I just have to walk away from this dude he has major bad ju ju. He stole original copies of his mother DNR from me to take to his lawyer wife because he wanted to invalidate the DNR. He has no respect for the wishes of others not even his mothers while she lays there in her hospital bed unable to speak for herself.
Now you would think that his lawyer wife would recuse herself in this type of situation. Nope a lawyer is a lawyer not matter how sweet they seem. She professes Jesus in all things but before seeing her mother law she rushed to house to find her long term health care policy. The door was locked. At least that is what she said she was looking for. As if she is the only one who can read a health care policy. It is not like my mother in law really needed some one to act on the policy at that moment. Its going be a long time before long term health care is even and issue with this type of stroke. An of course both of them where looking for her power of attorney and her will. - Nice
I am just ignoring them.
Her youngest son only married a year ago. He is her power of attorney and he loves his mother deeply. He is falling apart over the stroke and we are praying for his strength because he has many decision to make. He lives almost 2 hours from the hospital. He has a very abrupt personality. He is hard to talk to.
Now I have always considered my mother in law a bit of a ding bat. She always prattled on in long in coherent sentences about the lives and the dirt of others and that is big time boring to me. She is a major name dropper. She tries to impress everyone with all the heads of whatever that she knows. In between these ego centric sentence she goes on about coupons and the cost of ground beef at Harris Teeter vs Food Lion. Boring. To think this is a woman who got her masters in English and taught public school for 30 years. I always thought that when something like a major stroke happen we would be mired in half baked finances and thousands of dollars in credit card debt to all sorts of department stores.
Oh no quite the opposite. She had carefully saved for many years one painstaking paycheck after another. On a public teachers salary no less to provide for her children and most importantly for herself in case of a stroke so that she would not be a burden to her children. She bought additional health care beyond medicare. She has a long term health policy and she has cash able annuities so that she does not out live her money. She has an extensive life insurance policy. She had a will drafted by an attorney as well as her DNR and power of attorney documents. I have to tell you I have none of these things. Who is the ding bat now.
Anyway that is just a summary of last Wednesday.
She was admitted by EMS when a good Samaritan found her collapsed in the street by her mail box and called 911.
My mother in law is one of those people who is lovable from a distance. Up close she is like a porcupine. She built a tall fence around her town home to keep her neighbors away. She extended her yard into all the public spaces around her town home and would yell at people if there pet pee'd on her plants. She was a grumpy old lady. So there was no love loss between her and her neighbors and I am glad that some one didn't hold it against her when she fell.
Like wise I have always cared for her during all her seizures and falls. But she has always been nasty to me. She is a gossip and she loves to create internal drama in peoples lives. Pitting one family member against another and breaking up marriages.
So how do I show her Jesus love and build the Kingdom of God in these circumstances? My husband and I are tight and I have no pension for drama. So I don't play. So she hates me to make it fun for herself. She is even mean to our children especially my daughter. She had 3 sons and always wanted a daughter. It is in her nature to be driven by terrible jealousy. She has mastered the sin of coveting.
She is also completely obsessed with money. Who she is going to include in her will this week and who she is not. Who will get her good silver and who won't. I went to her home after I saw her in the emergency room and collected all the health and financial documentation that she had. I got her DNR, health insurance and stuff like that. It was clear that she was really loosing it the week before her stroke. It was clear from the condition of the house all her documents where strewn every where. Her oldest son pitched a fit that I went into her house unaccompanied by a "family member". He doesn't consider an in law family. Oh, except when it comes to his wife. This guy is a white supremest and he is so obsessed with blood lines that he would have married his own sister if he had one. He is the biggest drama queen - even bigger than his mom. It is obnoxious. How do I show him Jesus?
I just have to walk away from this dude he has major bad ju ju. He stole original copies of his mother DNR from me to take to his lawyer wife because he wanted to invalidate the DNR. He has no respect for the wishes of others not even his mothers while she lays there in her hospital bed unable to speak for herself.
Now you would think that his lawyer wife would recuse herself in this type of situation. Nope a lawyer is a lawyer not matter how sweet they seem. She professes Jesus in all things but before seeing her mother law she rushed to house to find her long term health care policy. The door was locked. At least that is what she said she was looking for. As if she is the only one who can read a health care policy. It is not like my mother in law really needed some one to act on the policy at that moment. Its going be a long time before long term health care is even and issue with this type of stroke. An of course both of them where looking for her power of attorney and her will. - Nice
I am just ignoring them.
Her youngest son only married a year ago. He is her power of attorney and he loves his mother deeply. He is falling apart over the stroke and we are praying for his strength because he has many decision to make. He lives almost 2 hours from the hospital. He has a very abrupt personality. He is hard to talk to.
Now I have always considered my mother in law a bit of a ding bat. She always prattled on in long in coherent sentences about the lives and the dirt of others and that is big time boring to me. She is a major name dropper. She tries to impress everyone with all the heads of whatever that she knows. In between these ego centric sentence she goes on about coupons and the cost of ground beef at Harris Teeter vs Food Lion. Boring. To think this is a woman who got her masters in English and taught public school for 30 years. I always thought that when something like a major stroke happen we would be mired in half baked finances and thousands of dollars in credit card debt to all sorts of department stores.
Oh no quite the opposite. She had carefully saved for many years one painstaking paycheck after another. On a public teachers salary no less to provide for her children and most importantly for herself in case of a stroke so that she would not be a burden to her children. She bought additional health care beyond medicare. She has a long term health policy and she has cash able annuities so that she does not out live her money. She has an extensive life insurance policy. She had a will drafted by an attorney as well as her DNR and power of attorney documents. I have to tell you I have none of these things. Who is the ding bat now.
Anyway that is just a summary of last Wednesday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
